One of the people that I admire for the creativity, genius mind, and preserverance is Jean Michel Basquiat, a prominent New York artist to emerge from the pop culture of art – like Andy Warhol – who was first known as a graffiti artist in the Big Apple then became the Neo-expressionist artist in the international art scene.  Robert Farris Thompson, the professor of art at Yale University said that what identifies Jean Michel Basquiat as a major artist is courage and full powers of self-transformation.  That courage, meaning not being afraid to fail, transforms paralyzingly self-conscious ‘predicaments of culture’ into confident ‘ecstasies of cultures recombined.’  He had the guts, what is more, to confront New York art challenge number one: can you transform self and heritage into something new and named?

As most genious, Basquiat also experienced an overwhelming feeling sometimes, which raise the concern of his excessive drug use and somewhat erratic behavior, and eventually clear signs of paranoia.  Been living among the junkies and street artists in New York underground and a heroin addict, Basquiat tragically died of drug overdose by the age of 1988, ending his short but eventful life, as he remains the king of pop art for a decade. 

I am neither an art collector nor a professional painter, but I had pursued a dream of becoming an artist slash graphic designer in the past, choosing to prep my self for the best design school in the country instead of studying to enroll in a business school. But as fate has got me to exchange my paint brush with PDA, I remain in awe of any demented mind on the loose like Basquiat.  Well, here’s an update of one demented mind you know: the book – if everything goes well – should hit the market by the first quarter of this year, my financial column would be in one of men’s lifestyle magazine in Jakarta, and I will be interviewed by one of the radio station in the city tomorrow.  That being said, also wish me luck as I undergo the national certification of risk management exam next weekend.  Bear with me as I tossed away all of my Candace Bushnell’s and Cosmopolitan in exchange of a 1.000 pages copy of Indonesia Certificate of Banking Risk and Regulation and The Financial Risk Manager Handbook for the next 10 days.   You’re asking me why I need this?  Let’s just say that my position in the bank would mean shit if I don’t pass this test.  And if I pass it with flying colors, there’s a trip to Basel, Switzerland to look forward to.  Yippee!  But I do have this strong urge to throw this pile of impossible memorizing against the wall.  Oh, well, at least I have a long list of R.E.M. and 10.000 Maniacs to keep me insane throughout this whole mind-shifting.

The restless heart and soul. I was actually laughing when I read this testimonial from one of my close friends, imagining a restless soul usually refers to ghosts. But as I looked back at my life these last ten years, I realize that I have in fact been restless, doing everything (legal) that I could get my hands on, getting into new things without leaving my old interests. And my life really hit its peak in the last few months: maintaining a blog, writing a book, holding a new position at the office (which of course comes with a bunch of new responsibilities) to managing to still have routine hang out time with my friends (God knows how much I need to wind down and just laugh without worrying about maintaining my banker image in front of my bosses and huge clients). Talk about huge clients, I don’t even want to begin to tell you how exhausted I’ve been managing their portfolios in the last 32 days 8 hours and 51 minutes. It’s not that I don’t love this job – or the fact that I’ve become the hot item in the office (yeah I can be tired, but nothing would stop me from being narcisstic hehehe) – it’s just that … well, have you ever felt like a hamster running around in a circle where you can’t just stop? It’s not that you don’t want to stop, you just can’t. You can’t afford the hiatus. Like right at this very moment, when I’m actually lying in bed – supposedly resting – but the wheels of my brain won’t stop turning and I ended up grabbing my PDA and wrote this blog.

I miss the times when I can just close my eyes and fell into the warm hug of my mom or my dad and just slept there. As I’ve reached adulthood, I – and maybe you for that matter – have somehow lost my ability to just let things go for a while and just take the time for my self. Meditating. Being drown in my own private thoughts. Dreamless sleep. I can’t remember the last time I had one. And for weeks, the dream is about him. My 5 o’clock shadow. Which makes me miss him more from the moment that I wake up. Which reminds me how this exhaustion would go away if I can just see his smile. If I can rest on his shoulder. But we just can’t have everything that we want, right?

I don’t know what I’m saying here. They’re just thoughts that occupy my mind. And while we’re on it, do you know that I often feel like a failure? Don’t know what lead me to assume my self in that posistion, it’s not that I haven’t achieved anything that I can’t be proud of – seriously, I kinda believe it’s this narcissistic side that keeps me going all these years. But I’m not Steve Jobs, the guy who brings you iPod. Or Justin Gignac, the genius art student who turns the world up side down with his NYC Garbage concept. Or even Indra Bekti, who makes more than 50 million a month doing things that he loves: cheering people up. I’ve worked hard, achieved a lot, did everything humanly possible from teaching to writing a book to drawing blood samples from cattles to managing portfolios worth 100 billion. Okay, maybe not all humanly possible: I haven’t learned how to drive a car or to cook yet. But I just want to achieve something that is really head-turning. Soon. Preferably before the age of thirty. And hopefully, before I decided that I’m just too tired and just quit.

How do you know when you’re in love with someone?  Is it when he’s the first thing that comes into you mind when you wake up and the last thing that you think of before you go to sleep?  Or is it when your heart melts every time he looks into your eyes?  The truth is, the signs come in a thousand different ways. 

When you’re having a really bad day and hearing his voice on the phone just makes it all go away.  When all you want to do is listen to him talk passionately about his plans for the future.  When you would sacrifice your  shopping time just to cheer him up on the field.  When a mention of his name makes you miss him so much.  When all you want to do is staying up and taking care of him when he’s sick.  When your face glows every time you meet him.  When even the way he laughs and eats and sleeps fascinate you.  When you realize you can finish each other’s sentences.  When you can recognize his perfume from miles away.  When you laugh when he laughs.  When you love seeing the reflection of yourself in his eyes.  When you can’t stop smiling every time people talk about the two of you.  When you remember him in your prayer.  When you feel that he’s the only one who can understand you.  When everything that makes him happy will make you happy, no matter how hurtful it is inside.  When you’re often torn between your own egocentricity and your feelings for him.  When really you’re mad at him but all you want to do is cry on his shoulder.  When you can’t help glancing at him every other second as you’re both in the car and he’s seriously watching the traffic.  When you’re cursing when he calls you but your mobile phone suddenly runs out of batteries.  When you actually enjoy the moment when he’s teasing you eventhough you’re pissed.  When you dreams of yourself being married to him with kids.  When you want to be the woman who makes him coffee and puts on his tie every morning.  When you’re seriously reconsidering the scholarship because it means leaving him as you move to another country.  When you find his boyish whining attitude is endearing.  When you find his snoring endearing.  When you have your own nickname for him.  When every time his name pops up in you inbox you smile.  When you gladly wipes his sweat as he changes your flat tire.  When you find his singing entertaining eventhough he can’t carry a tune.  When you forget when was the last time his name doesn’t cross your mind.  When you can remember perfectly the sound of his funny laugh, his fake laugh, and his amused laugh.  When he’s the only face you want to be on your 500 bucks Anya Hindmarch be-a-bag.  When you would stay awake just to watch him sleep.  When you’re seriously thinking of getting a tattoo of his name on your left breast – just a temporary one for me.  When he makes you happy and makes you cry at the same time.  When you want him to always be your ‘imam’ when you’re praying.  When you’re glad that you can be helpless sometimes because it means you can rely on his strong arms to help you.  When being with him makes you want to be a better person.  When everything could go wrong in the world and it’s okay, because he’s there, with you. 

Oh God, I am really in love.

Just wanna share a little bit.  For almost a week now I’ve been annoyed by the kind of advertising that Google AdSense put at the bottom of my blog.  Not only it’s not related, it is also promoting other beliefs that are different from mine.  I’m not being anti something or racist here, I just would like to have ads that are really relevant to my posting.  I don’t know how Google AdSense came up with such ads to put on my site as they are in no way relevant to the topics that I publsih on the blog – my most recent topics were my holiday to Malaysia and a post called Wishful Thinking.  Anyway, I have reported this violation of my personal space and right to Google since yesterday, but until now I have yet to receive any respond from them.  Yes, I’m not commercial enough to buy my own domain name and purchase an ad-free blog, but I am still a customer who wants to be respected of my rights.

Tell me what you think.

So I just returned from my holiday with a group of friends last Christmas weekend.  Thanks to the ever-affordable AirAsia, we flew to Penang – and planned to continue to Thai and Kuala Lumpur from there.  Being the first time for all of us – me, Damar, Arif, Neddy, Tofan, Ari, Widi, and Eka – to travel to Malaysia, this should be a exciting yet dumb-and-dumber experience for all of us.  I’ll try to take  you through the whole four days that we were there.

Day One (Friday) – Adventis Court Apartment, Midland Mall, Beds Malaysia

It was already almost nine when we finally got to the apartment that we’ve booked.  Adventis Court is strategically located near Midland Mall, Plaza Gurney, and Gurney Beach.  But since it’s already late, we grabbed a bite at the Midland McDonald’s – the rest of the restaurants were already closed – then decided to walk around to see what’s happening.  And I so love the fact that this cool club slash resto slash bar called Beds – if you’ve seen Sex and the City, you’re probably already familiar with Beds New York – was really only a 10-minutes walking distance from our apartment!  After a few rounds of drinks, we called it a night and returned to the home-away-from-home.

Day Two (Saturday) – Bukit Bendera Temple, Prangin Mall, Batu Feringgi Night Market, Momo

Okay, first, I never woke up before 9 on Saturday!  Ever!  Well, except for some occasion that my boss called me to the office.  So there goes our plan to drive to Thailand.  The day started at sometime after nine with an instant noodle and egg breakfast, thanks to the cooking skill of the girls: Ari, Eka, and Widi.  And as for me?  I don’t think the ability to boil water can be categorized as cooking skill hahahaha.

The apartment provided us with two cars, and that morning, they took us to a temple at Bukit Bendera.  I’m not really a huge fan of cultural travel – hence explaning my non-existent interest to visit Yogya hahaha – so I couldn’t wait to get it over with and hit the mall.  Thank God, the whole Bukit Bendera thing only took half an hour, so by brunch time, we’ve already arrived at Prangin Mall.  Okay, at first, I just gotta say: hello, this is supposed to be the coolest mall in Penang?  It was literally ITC Mangga Dua, if you asked me (yeah, the brocuhere said it was the place for the young and trendy, and the young and trendy were nowhere to be seen but us hahaha).  But I gotta give it to Seed, Vincci, and a Thai t-shirt store as the highlight of my shopping experience in Prangin.  So stylish and cheap!  Did I mention that Seed – the Zara of Malaysia - was having a 70% sale?  Yeah, I can practically see you calling AirAsia to book a flight as you read this.

Tired of walking and shopping, we went back to the apartment to take a nap.  The boys and I were really saving our energy to get a taste of the city’s night life later.  Around 8, we got to the Batu Feringgi night market, and it was awesome!  Felt like Bali, with specialty stores and street market on one side of the street and a wide range of bars, resto, and cafes on the other.  There are many highlights of the night, including finding lots of thingamajigs and small souvenirs for a great bargain, but I’ll tell you one that really made our day.  That night, we walked into this big semi-outdoor Indian restaurant called Jewel of the North.  So this waiter came over to our table to take our orders, instead, he asked this questions: “Are you from Indonesia?”  To which we answered: “Yes.”  And here comes the bling: “You’re all so handsome.  Are you movie stars?”  Hahaha, we can’t resist laughing, but yeah, I think we did look like movie stars – you know, the likes of Mischa Barton, Orlando Bloom, Kirsten Dunst, and Jake Gyllenhal with our chic khakis, cool t-shirts, and hip jeans (believe me, just see the pictures hahahaha, am I making you sick already?).  I was actually thinking of responding: “Well, we’ve just made three movies, we wouldn’t call ourselves stars.”  But that compliment aside, the Batu Feringgi experience was totally awesome.  It was a long walk, alright – I think I’ve walked more than 2 miles! – but the energy just kept going and going.

It was almost midnight when we got back to the apartment, but we’re not ready to call it a night.  So Damar, Arif, Neddy, Tofan, Widi, and I changed and then went out to seek the best club in town.  There’s this street – kinda like Kings Cross in Sydney – around Kompleks Tun Abdul Razak (Komtar) full of clubs and cafes.  The club of our choice: Momo, a colonial type building at the end of the street, right in front of Sigafredo Zanetti.  The DJ was awesome!!  And it was kinda unique because the mix was a blend of techno, Ibiza club, Malay, and even a little bit of Hindi, just like the crowds.  There was even a Coyote Ugly women dancing on the bar type of thing.  We ended the night by winding down with coffee and tea at Sigafredo, and finally hit the bed at around 3 something.

Day Three (Sunday) – Penang Hill, Plaza Gurney, Gurney Beach Christmas Party, Beds

Here comes the torture.  Ari a.k.a Mbok Sul was really set on going up the Penang Hill (there was this special train that took the tourists up there to take pictures, eat, and shop), so we had to be going by 8!  Imagine waking up at 7 after clubbing!  Anyway, the reason that we wanted to go to to Penang Hill was largely to see Penang at bird’s view, including the view of the famous Penang Bridge which has been said as the second longest bridge in the world after the San Fransisco Bridge (tempat kita liburan tahun lalu hahahahaha!).  And the view was awesome! We took a couple of hours up there to brunch and stuff, and hit Plaza Gurney as soon as we got down.  There’s nothing like hot fudge brownies (it’s almost better than sex!) at Secret Recipe to spike up our energy for the rest of the day.  We spent the whole afternoon shopping at this huge mall, checking out anything from British India, Padini, Seed, to – of course – Vincci.  The boys were getting crazy at motorcycle jackets and cargo pants on sale!  Realizing a long night was coming, we cut the shopping by 5 and returned to the apartment to shower, nap, and change.

We left the apartment at 8, going straight to have late dinner at Plaza Gurney, and oh my God, it was so crowded that it was literally impossible to walk without stepping somebody’s toes!  We finally got a seat at Nando’s and had delicious-mouthwatering chicken dinner there.  Now that we’re full, it’s time to walk to the beach (I was actually imagining MTV The Grind Spring Break kind of thing happening there), but man, the crowd was even crazier.  I think there were at least a thousand people there, each armored with a spray can that sprayed fake snow!   We decided to leave because it was getting out of control, and walked a thousand mile – at least that’s how my feet felt! – back to apartment, thinking of going to the Christmas Clubbing Party at Momo instead.  But it was a fucking long walk, everybody!!  But finally, we saw Beds, so we decided to stop by for a drink.  It turned out that Beds was also having a Christmas party, they even gave out party kits for free.  So there we were, with glow-in-the-dark bracelets and necklace and party popper and trumpet!  I was kinda surprised, because it’s more like tahun baruan then Christmasan.  We celebrated my birthday right at midnight, toasting, and popping up the party popper and stuff.  Tired of a very ovewhelming day, we went back to the apartment after 1, hanging out there instead.

Day Four (Monday) – Kopi Tiam Plaza Gurney, Island Plaza, Penang Bridge

Our last day in Penang, we started really slow by having breakfast at 10 at Kopi Tiam in Plaza Gurney, having a bite or more of the famous Kaya Toast and houseblend coffee.  We did some last minute shopping at Gurney, then Arif, Damar, and I took a cab to Island Plaza to check out Fila and British India, then hanging out for a caffeine run at Coffee Bean and Tea Leaves.  We also took a drive at Penang Bridge before going to the airport, while after dropping us off at the airport, Damar stayed and continued his trip to Kuala Lumpur.

Anyway, it was a short but eventful holiday, probably one of the best birthdays I’ve ever had.  I hope there are many more to come with more fun like this one!

When do you actually know that you’re on the verge of losing yourself?  Given all senses are working perfectly fine, we all will feel any physical or emotional pain as they come.  The moment when we cry as we fall down, or when we scream “ouch” as we get a cut or a scratch.  But losing one’s self is another form of both emotional and physical experience.  It’s the exact moment when reality and imagination become interchangeable in our head.  When we can no longer differentiate between what’s right and what’s wrong  When the thin red line that divides the area of black and white slowly disappears.

But anyone, even someone as smart as John Nash, will never be able to tell when they’re actually on the verge of losing themselves.  I’m talking about being suicidal or even submitting myself to the so called serotonin blizzards in my head.  I’m simply talking about the very few moments in our lives when everything becomes meaningless, even the very conscious realization of our mere existence.

And at this moment that I write this – and I can’t promise you that it will end when you eventually read this – my head has become incapable of processing any logical information ad my heart has grown numb of any emotional reaction.

Everything that happens just flew by, and I can’t really tell whether I’m happy or sad or excited or bored or hopeless or hopeful or anything for that matter.  I’ve decided to tattoo the words that describe my feeling on my left foot, printed clearly in bright orange.  Why?  Really, you shouldn’t expect an answer to come out from this insanity.

Am I on the verge of losing myself?  I don’t know.  All I know is, I just want to be able to feel again.  But if you think that I am really losing myself, would you be kind enough to find me?