A Piece of My Mind

Sting once said, “A song should be simple.  You shouldn’t be singing about an issue, that’s just journalism.”  But for me, Sting’s songs were never just plain simple.  They’re rich, radiant, brilliant in its own unique way,  that they somehow have the ability to get the message across through their timeless beats and effortless lyrics, if you ask me.  But I have not always been a big fan of the man.  The first time I got to know him was in high school, through the song Every Breath You Take when he was still with The Police.  But it wasn’t until I heard When You Dance that I become an avid fan of Sting and his songs.  His deep, heavenly voice just pierce right into my soul every time I listen to him.  And one night, I watched him performing in a very intimate concert in the backyard of his Tuscany home.  It was on the night of September 11, so what’s supposed to be a joyous occasion then became an intimate, quite love letter to soothe the grieving souls of the victims families and the concert attendants.  I don’t know exactly what it is, but there’s just something about the ambiance of the atmosphere in his concert – or any other concert for that matter – that makes me hypnotized, getting carried away with the music. 

The recording industry might argue that concert is a way to promote albums and introduce the musicians to the masses, the media specialists can conclude that concert is about bringing visual element of the music to the listeners, but I personally believe that concert is the ultimate way for the musicians – let it be the singers or the bands – to connect in the most personal way possible to their fans.  Unless, of course, your husband is Tim McGraw who would serenade you to sleep every night.  Talk about Tim, I remember a performance of him and his wife, Faith Hill, at a concert about four or five years ago.  As they were singing on stage, you can clearly see, and feel, the chemistry and the deep connection between them.  Tim was singing wholeheartedly on one end of the stage, while on the other end, Faith was smiling, looking at him in pure admiration and clearly in love.  This kind of gems - the way the singers bring their music to life, the way they connect to the songs, and the genuine form of musicality – is what makes more tan a million concert goers spend a total of billions of dollars each year to see their favorite singers and bands perform.  A floor ticket to the Rolling Stones concert last year, for example, reached a jaw-dropping price of 450 bucks a piece.  But I guess the fans won’t mind the experience of seeing their idols so close, they can practically smell the sweats! 

Tell me this, though, does it really worth the price?  I don’t know about you guys, but I don’t think I’ll ever come to a point where I would willingly spent that kind of money on concert tickets (the case would be entirely different if we talk about Tag, Narcisso, or Manolos).  But for those who would, or for me who would but for much less (like, I don’t mind spending 50 bucks on Sting’s ticket), it’s not the music that we’re buying, it’s the possibilities.  Simply the possibilities of seeing and hearing things you may never get the chance to again.  Each live concert brings a whole new experience in enjoying music, as a form of symbiotic connection is built between the performers and the audience.  Sting said that song writing can be a therapy to both the song writer and the listener, and I think, song performance can be a surge of chemistry between the singers and the bands and the audience.  Picture yourself standing in the middle of a huge crowd, all hyped up that you can really feel the bass pumping as your heartbeats race faster, cheering to every songs played by the band, it’s so crowd that you can barely wiggle your toes without stepping at somebody else’s feet.  As you get more and more excited, the band also gets all psyched to give it all out, making every single move that the crowd make is simultaneously affecting the mood of the band.  You really can’t ignore the genuine connection between the band and the concert goers one song after another, ultimately ended by the ever-exhilirating encore.  Once this connection is established, I’m not really exaggerating when I say that the possibilities are endless.   I so love the way Sting played his guitar, totally messing around with the chords, on Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic at the Tuscany concert, so way over the top compared to the version on the records.  And this an adult contemporary slash jazz concert we’re talking about, I don’t even get to rock concert.  That’s when it gets downright crazy.

For years, rock concerts become the vicinity of hysteria and crazes which sometimes as deadly as a racial riots.  The history of rock and roll was marked with many infamous incidents and mayhem.  In 1979, eleven concert-goers were crushed to deat as they were trying to enter Cincinnati Riverfront Coliseum to see The Who.  The Grateful Dead concerts were always smeared by a number of injured fans or even over-dosed concert-goers.  Things would probably a lot different if they stayed home and just listened to the CDs.  LBut I guess we just can’t resist opportunity to build chemsitry with our idols, right?

And when I talked about possibilities earlier, I really wasn’t just talking about the opportunities to hear fresh beats, new musical arrangements, and see extra-ordinary performances.  I’m also talking about spontaneous actions – some exciting, some not so safe, some even obscene – by the performers themselves.  Need I remind you of the first timie Kurt Cobain of Nirvana jumped into the pit area, Ozzy Osbourne took a bite of a live bat, and Marylin Manson performed a fellation on himself.  Sometimes I think concerts should really be rated anywhere from G, PG-13, R, to NC-17, just like the movies.

So which concert would you go to this summer?  Wait, let me rephrase the question: how much music can you handle and how much chaos can you take this summer?  If you ask me, I would definitely not mind going to Sting’s or John Mayer’s, but as for Loolapalooza or AmsterJam?  I would have to think twice.  In the end, music remains my drug of choice, while concert is the highest dose that I can take.

Just a little over a month ago, a couple of friends of mine flew over to my city on the same day, but taking different flights.  One was slouching on the comfortable couch of the executive lounge, sipping venti caramel macchiato with a copy of Jane Austen’s Persuasion on her hand, while the other was messaging me complaining about how miserable he was being on the economy AirAsia flight, waiting in the regular lounge on hard plastic chair with no Starbucks in sight whatsoever, not to mention that the flight was being delayed until further announcement.  I couldn’t help but grinning when I listened to his story, picturing his misery in my mind as he dragged his black Samsonite, running on the shiny Prada shoes looking for the best window seat on the infamous free seating system of AirAsia.

It’s only fair – and honest – to say that my friends and I, and thousands of other people for that matter, are dedicated members of the limelight generation.  I’m sure you’ve heard of the so-called baby boomers and Generation X, but exactly is limelight?  If you are between the age of twentysomething to fortysomething, young urban professionals with steady above average income, citizens of the coffee republic with at least one designer jeans in your closet, you might as well be a part of the limelight generation without even realizing it, the generation who craves VIP treatment at all times.  With the growing numbers of new money during the dotcom era and the expanding opportunities to jump ships earning more money for today’s yuppies, who can blame them – or us for that matter?  Now is the era where you don’t have to be a Kennedy or an Onassis to have red carpets rolled in front of you.

What is amazing about this particular phenomenon is that I couldn’t quite decide which actually influences which: whether it’s the ever-accomodating consumer industry that triggers the existence of the limelight generation, or is it the other way around?  Do banks promote gold and platinum cards because more people are demanding the exclusivity and VIP treatments the cards provide, or does the existence of such cards – and witnessing previous card owner’s elevated comforts by having them – that encourage others to crave such treatment?  It’s really like trying to answer the chicken-and-egg question.

Although the sufferers of the limelight syndrome mainly center their addiction towards the beauty of the entourage they desire, I would also like to call them the Andy Warhols of consumerism, shaping the very pop culture of capitalism even as they breathe.  Why do you think Bergdorf Goodman offers the service of personal buyer, Turnbull and Asser only make tailor-made suits, and Citizens of Humanity designs many range of jeans – although in limited numbers – to flatter the feminine curves of any woman?  These institutions – and many more – are actually contributing to the epidemic syndrome of limelight.  Let’s be honest, shopping at your friendly neighborhood Wal-Mart or K-Mart will not grant you a special treatment, but the case is of course 180 degrees different once you walk into Barneys or Harrod’s.  An entourage of friendly, helpful, and polite shop attendants are ready to follow your steps and accommodate your needs in the place where customers are truly kings and queens.  Yes, you heard me right.  The very heart of consumerism lies in the limelight desire itself.  Confused?  Let me put it this way: you can’t get special treatment if you don’t consume special products, mingle with special people, and live in a special kind of way.  Talk about mingling with special people, I’m sure some of you are already familiar with the story of some wannabe socialites in Jakarta who would go the extra mile to get invited to the most happening events in town, only to spend the whole night persuading lifestyle reporters to take pictures of them, in hopes that their faces will be featured next to the cream of the crops on the society pages of Harper’s Baazar and Indonesian Tattler.  I forgot who told me this, but Louis Vuitton actually sent a letter of protest to the magazine because one of these wannabe socialites was actually wearing a fake Louis Vuitton handbag.  Talk about public humiliation.

But that’s not what I want to talk about today.  I’m being nice when I say that the wannabes 15 minutes of fame is up.  I want to talk about the limelight generation who’s really the 20 in the 80/20 Pareto principle: the 20% of society who truly controls the trends, branding, and the whole culture of consumerism for 80% of the society.  The question is, of course, how do they decide which one is trendy and which one is not?  Why Michael Kors, Matthew Williamson, and Stella McCartney are so hip while Miu Miu and Betsey Johnson are so yesterday?  Surprisingly, there’s really no answer to this question.  To those who live the trend, they really do not think of it as the trend, they just regard it as something that makes them feel unique, individual, and different.  To the limelight generation, what we call trend is really just their raison d’être – the reason of their existence.  They just wake up one morning, put on a pair of True Religion jeans, topped with Michael Kors motorcycle jacket and a pair of Jimmy Choos because that’s the style that accentuate their very existence.  If you’re familiar with Maslow’s theory of needs, this limelight generation shops for clothes and other necessities not to fulfil their primary, secondary, and tertiary needs, but really to define who they are.  Why else would they crave a Balducci sandwich for lunch and Cristal champagne for dinner?  These new essentialist shoppers redefine consumerism as a form of self-actualization.  Without realizing it, they also define the trends to the other 80 percent of the society.  Can you imagine the circle of influence that these limelights have?  In one way or the other, the consumer industry itself has to watch out for the limelights movement because their consumption habits reflect the choices that 80 percent of the population might make.

In the end, the question that you should ask yourself would be: do I want to be a fashion victim, or do I want to be the one who defines fashion and style?  The truth is, there’s only a thin line that separates the limelights with the followers, a line that you can only cross if you can self-actualize yourself like any red carpet society would. 

Okay, guilty confession: I’ve been a chocolate addict for as far back as I can remember.  Even as I woke up this morning in my hotel room, looking out the window with an extravagant view of clear blue lake and green mountains in front of me, I can’t help but start the day with an almond chocolate bar, having what I’d like to call l’affaire chocolat, my chocolate affair.  And honestly, it’s been a week since I start my chocolate diet, having the so-called food of the gods instead of conventional full meal as dinner.  One of the reasons is because cocoa beans contain flavonoids which help high blood pressures, not to mention other historical use of cocoa beans as medicines: to treat fatigue, to alleviate fever and fainting of breath, and to stimulate nervous systems of apathetic, exhausted or feeble patients.

You know how every time somebody gets caught drunk-and-driving by the police, he or she is usually sent to join Alcoholic Anonymous to cure the alcohol addiction?  Well, if there’s a chocolate police and a Chocoholic Anonymous, I’m pretty sure they would have to work their ass off, because while people feel the needs to cure their alcoholism, nobody wants to be cured from their chocolate addiction.  It’s no secret that chocolate induces serotonin in the brain, just like recreational drugs like LSD and mescaline, but in a safe way.  Heaven forbids the day that chocolate becomes illegal!

The secret of the chocolate’s alluring appeal lies in the cocoa butter itself, it melts just below the body temperature, which gives us the dissolve-in-the-mouth feeling every time we take a bite.  Kinda remind you of the M & M’s ad: “it melts in your mouth, not in your hand”, doesn’t it?  But really, that’s not all.  I remember a couple of days ago when I was preparing to present my potential client to the approving committee.  Well, I had been having my PMS, so I wasn’t really up to speed.  But that all changed once I picked up a bar of Cadbury from my desk drawer.  I know it’s not like the charge-up feeling that Popeye has once he consumes spinach, but chocolate does have a way of picking up the energy and the mood of its consumer.  The sudden energy charger in a piece of chocolate comes from the sugar and the kick of caffeine substance called theobromine.  If you’re one of those yuppies who can’t function without a daily dose of caffeine, the kind that give Starbucks people a hefty bonus each year, you might wanna think about switching from coffee once in a while.  I know coffee is often referred as the gas which keeps us going, but nobody ever describe it as better than sex, unlike chocolate.  That’s because coffee does not contain phenylethylamine, the so-called mood enhancer.  It’s probably why the Aztec declared that only the noble, priests, and warriors were allowed to eat chocolate hundreds of years ago.  Aren’t you glad that you were born in modern age?

Anyway, at the moment, I wouldn’t know first-hand if chocolate is really better than sex, but I know that many parts of society have often dubbed chocolate as aphrodisiac (I don’t think I need to give you a clear description about the hows of using chocolate as aphrodisiac, but you husbands might wanna pick up a bottle of Hershey chocolate syrup or a box of Godiva on your way home tonight).  A research presented by the European Society of Sexual Medicine in London a couple of years ago – which studied the lifestyle habits that affect women’s sex lives - found that women who have a daily intake of chocolate showed higher levels of desire than women who did not have this habit.  Chocolate is claimed to have a positive physiological impact on a woman’s sexuality.  On the other hand, the study also showed that there’s no link between smoking and drinking coffee to sexual enjoyment. Makes you rethink your habit, doesn’t it? 

Whatever your reason might be, chocolate is a pleasure that you never feel guilty about.  A quiet chocolate moment, like the one that I had in the hotel this morning, or the one that I always have every night after a workaholic day, is exactly something that you and I need, whether it’s to recharge the energy, or just to let yourself anaesthetized in the sweetest form of self-indulgence.

What a joy!  The holiday season is finally here.  Well, I know Lebaran is not until next month and Christmas is still a couple of months away, but who cares?  I’m taking a head start!  Yeah, you got me, guys, I am a sucker for the holidays.  One thing is for sure, I celebrate Lebaran and I love Christmas because it’s my birthday (a whole lot of presents!).  But another thing that I also love about this season is because it’s simply holiday, weeks away from work, which means I can spend it doing whatever that I want.  Whether it’s having a vacation with friends (I love AirAsia, it only costs 50 bucks to fly to Kuala Lumpur and back!), or just lounging at home watching a bunch of DVDs.  Two choices with reasonable budgets, but I’m not gonna talk about planning a cheap vacation this time.  ‘Tis the season to be watching DVDs! 

Due to the suckness (if there’s such a word) of the local TV stations nowadays (I swear, somebody should really knock some senses into the program directors), I – and maybe you also – have to rely to cable TV subscriptions or DVDs to catch some quality series.  Call me a sceptic, but I think hell will freeze over by the time the local TVs throw away the so-called “sinetron” off their programs and start putting on great series like Grey’s Anatomy and My Name is Earl at their primetime.  Anyway, if you’re planning to stay home a lot this holiday season, and feeling like throwing your shoes into your TV set every time another “sinetron” is on, I’m giving you a list of must-see TV this season.  Some are currently on Star World and HBO (if you got cable), and most of them are also available on DVDs.

Friends – What can I say, guys, Friends is the god of all series (yeah, I know I’m speaking as an addict, but this is one addiction that I don’t ever wanna get over.  Seriously, if I ever suffer from amnesia in the future, I think my memories of Friends will remain intact).  The endearing Rachel (Jennifer Aniston), neurotic Monica (Courteney Cox Arquette), geeky palaeontologist Ross (David Schwimmer), quirky Phoebe (Lisa Kudrow), wise-cracking Chandler (Matthew Perry), and simple-minded Joey (Matt LeBlanc) just never fail to put a big grin across my face. Friends also gave us unforgettable moments with their cameos, from Brad Pitt as Jennifer Aniston’s enemy in high school (the two were still happily married when they shot this), Bruce Willis as the father of Ross’s college student girlfriend, who later also started a hot fling with Rachel, Brooke Shield as Joey’s lunatic soap opera fan, Julia Roberts as Chandler’s love interest, to Reese Witherspoon and Christina Applegate both as Rachel’s spoiled, bitchy sisters.  Besides being a pop culture icon and a television legend (is it because the affable characters or the most brilliant script-writing in history, I can’t make up my mind), Friends also stands out as a show that we strongly feel connected to in many years to come, even when Ross, Rachel, Joey, Phoebe, Monica, and Chandler no longer visit us every Thursday night.  Quoting Karen from Will and Grace: “What will I do now without my Friends?”

Will and Grace – Another TV gem!  I was actually watching Will and Grace as I wrote this.  I remember countless days when I came home from work all stressed out and tired, kicked off my shoes, grabbing the remote and put Will and Grace DVD on, and puff … all the stress is gone!  The series center on a couple of best friends, a gay attorney named Will Truman (Eric McCormack) and a straight, Jewish interior designer Grace Adler (Debra Messing).  Karen (Megan Mullally), a very rich socialite who’s bored with her life and decided to be Grace’s assistant, and Jack (Sean Hayes), an effeminate gay struggling actor, who’s also Will’s best friend, never fail to spice up every episode.  Will and Grace used to date when they were still studying at Columbia University, until one day Will came out causing Grace to break off the engagement and threw him out of the house.  It wasn’t until a year later that they accidentally ran into each other and became best friends.  Eventually, Will and Grace share an apartment together in New York City, with Jack and Karen often referring them as “married, non-sexual life partners” or “sexless lovers.”  A note, Will and Grace is one of only three sitcoms in which all actors playing the main characters (Eric, Debra, Megan, and Sean) have each one at least one acting Emmy.  Just like Friends, Will and Grace was also sparkled by many cameo appearances, from Demi Moore as Jack’s former babysitter, Geena Davis as Grace’s sister, Michael Douglas as a gay cop who became attracted to Will, to Madonna as Karen’s roommate.

Grey’s Anatomy – The first time I saw Grey’s Anatomy was on one insomnia night at my hotel room in the capital city, and I was immediately hooked!  Another successful and critically-acclaimed medical drama after ER, this series feature an ensemble cast of characters consist of a group of surgical interns, the various physicians serving as mentors to the interns, and people in their personal and professional lives.  The story circles around the live of dr. Meredith Grey (Ellen Pompeo), who has to live up to his father’s name as renowned surgeon while starting an intern program at a Seattle Hospital, meeting fellow interns such as dr. Cristina Yang (Sandra Oh), dr. Isobel Stevens (Katherine Heigl), and dr. George O’Malley (T.R. Knight) who later became best friends.  Although being criticized mostly by viewers in the medical professions to be lack of realism in presenting medical situations and highly exaggerating the fraternity built between doctors and other medial professions, the series is also highly praised for its non-traditional casts and its success in bringing sparks and humor to a medical drama.

The X-Files – I was introduced to the legendary Fox Mulder (David Duchovny) and Dana Scully (Gillian Anderson) when I was still in junior high, and I never missed an episode since.  The brilliance of its scriptwriting and the richness of the ideas eventually become a pop cult when it comes to conspiracy theories and belief in extraterrestrial life existence.  In this series, Mulder and Scully is two FBI agents assigned to a project called the X-files, which are a series of cases marginalized by the FBI as unsolved and usually involves a paranormal phenomena.  Over the nine seasons, the story never fails to entice its viewers through the entanglement of government conspiracy to cover up alien existence, monster-of-the-week episodes which feature unusual creatures and bizarre situations to Mulder and Scully’s complicated relationship.  The story also brilliantly explores the choices that the characters made as a human being and as an FBI agent, from Mulder’s choice to disappear to search for answers and Scully’s decision to give up their baby on anonymous adoption in fear for the alien conspirator’s relentless effort to hurt baby William.  In the last two seasons, the X-Files introduced a couple of new agents assigned to the X-Files, namely Agent John Dogget (Robert Patrick) and Monica Reyes (Annabeth Gish).  Both new characters who were initially hoped to replace Mulder and Scully as lead characters failed to boost the ratings, so the series were then ended by its ninth season.

Commander in Chief – It was a quiet Saturday, and I was just having my breakfast, when Oprah interviewed Geena Davis about her role as the first female president of the United States in the series Commander in Chief.  So I called a friend of mine and he brought me the complete first season DVD when he came to Medan a couple of weeks ago.  Commander in Chief starts with Mackenzie Allen (Geena Davis), who then served as the vice president of the United States, contemplating whether she should go against the wishes of the dying president who had asked her to step down so the male Speaker of the House, Nathan Templeton (Donald Sutherland) can take his place at the Oval Office.  As Mackenzie later decided to take the office, she’s continuously faced with challenges to prove herself worthy of the positions, juggling with dirty politics at the Congress, executive decisions as the commander in chief, a death penalty case, to family troubles with her role as a wife and a mother of three.  Not once before have a portrayal of women and their complicated roles brought to the screen in their utmost complicity.  Despite its intensity, Commander in Chief was partly criticized of never being able to live up to the brilliance of The West Wing, and was eventually cancelled last season.  Bad mistake.

24 – It’s been a couple of decades since the last time Kiefer Sutherland caught my attention through Flatliners, but man, does he really know about making a comeback.  Each season of 24 covers the 24 hours life of Central Terrorism Unit Agent Jack Bauer (Kiefer) as he tried to stop another terrorism attack or national crisis.  What is so awesome about this series is that each season occurs in real time, thus 24 episodes in each season represents 24 hours in a day full of twisted plots, high speed actions, and deep conflicts.  The fast paced series always keeps its viewers on the edge of their seats as characters, even the most popular ones, are killed in random.  Throughout the five seasons already aired, Jack has undergone many changes in his life, from the death of his wife to the estrangement of his daughter, solving one terrorist attack at a time, anything from the threat to the president’s life, bomb threat, to a virus outbreak.  I’m telling you, 24 is so intense as every second counts, you literally can’t miss a single moment.  At the Primetime Emmys 2006, 24 was awarded with the Emmy for Outstanding Drama Series while Kiefer Sutherland took home the Emmy for Outstanding Lead Actor in a Drama Series.

Cupid – Voted as one of the top ten aborted TV shows by E! Online, Cupid was one of the earliest series that I truly love.  Aired on ABC in 1998 to 1999 (an on Indosiar in the same year), Cupid starred Jeremy Piven as Trevor Hale, a charming wise-ass who believed that he was actually Cupid, the Roman god of love, sent down from Mt. Olympus by Zeus to connect 100 couples on earth without his powers as a punishment for his arrogance.  In charge of Hale’s therapy was dr. Claire Allen (Paula Marshall), a Chicago-based psychiatrist who happened to be a pessimist of love.  Although the concept might seem cheesy and too utopian, it was geniusly brought on screen through smart storylines, featuring anything from dating disasters, Piven’s wise-cracking comments, to the growing attraction between the patient and the psychiatrist.  Even until the day it was last aired, the viewers were never told whether Hale was actually Cupid, and were given hints both ways throughout the series.  Sadly, the show was cancelled only after 14 episodes, and to my knowledge, no TV station on earth is actually running it right now, and no DVDs have been released, although the fans of the series have been demanding for reruns and DVD releases, so good luck in finding your way to get a Cupid experience.

Desperate Housewives – By now, Wysteria Lane might be the most famous suburban area in the world.  It’s the place where the secrets of suburban housewives are revealed in no way you’ve ever thought before, through the lives of Susan Mayer (Teri Hatcher), a divorcee and a single mom who’s always on the look of true love; Gabrielle Solis (Eva Longoria), the sexy ex-model with a perfect life of expensive sport cars and rich, handsome husband; Bree Van Der Kamp (Marcia Cross), the Martha Stewart of Wysteria Line whose life is not as perfect as her impeccable manner; Lynette Scavo (Felicity Huffman), a devoted wife who’s juggling between her fast track career and her four kids; and Edie Britt (Nicolette Sheridan), the free spirited serial divorcee with a long record of love scandal.  Enter John (Jesse Metcalfe), Gaby’s gardener who also doubles as her love interest, and Mike Delfino (James Denton), the rugged next-door plumber who has left Susan fall head over heels.  Although the idea has a feel of a daytime drama, the brilliant storyline and the smart dialogs have twisted the viewers in a dark comedic kind of way.

You wouldn’t believe the chaos in my office this morning!  The new target and time table have just been announced, so now every one is definitely buried in this huge pile of work, speeding up to reach the completion targets.  Lucky me, the analysis for my biggest client is finished already, giving me the luxury of observing the crazy environment at this very moment.  The rushing steps, the screamings, the paper rustling,  the ringing phones … honestly for a while, I feel like I’m in the middle of NYSE … or was I just daydreaming?  Oh, well.  Anyway, it was also on this very day that the big boss has decided to step out of the office and check our activities one by one, practicing the so-called management by walking around.  I would take pictures to give you a clear description of how things are, but I don’t really wanna draw attention to myself by flashing the camera.  The last thing that I want right now is for my boss to find out that I’m actually blogging about this hahahaha!

I think the boss is pretty happy to see everyone working their ass off this particular morning.  The smile on his face, however, would definitely be gone if he comes down on a different day, where everyone present is busy ((I’m really stretching the meaning of the word), doing things from playing games, surfing Friendster, Yahoo messaging, to watching DVDs, while some desks are actually empty because the occupants are downstairs having an extended coffee break.  I’m sure we’re all very much aware that this kind of actitivties is doomed by management, but sometimes we just can’t help it, right?  What are you supposed to do when boredom hits and the image of the excel worksheet on your monitor is poking painfully into your eyes?  So I came to the expert of looking busy without actually doing anything, David Brent of the hit sitcom The Office, and here’s what he has to say:

  Never walk without a document in your hands.  People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading to internal meetings.  People with nothing in their hands look like they’re heading for canteen.  Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.

Use computers to look busy.  Anytime you use a computer, it looks like “work” to the casual observer.  You can send and receive personal e-mails, chat, and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work.  These aren’t exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they’re  not bad either.  When you get caught by your boss – and you “will” get caught – your best defense is to claim you’re teaching yourself to use a new software, thus saving valuable training expenses.

Messy desk.  Top management can get away with a clean desk.  For the rest of us, it looks like we’re not working hard enough.  Build huge piles of documents around your workspace.  To the observer, last year’s work looks the same as today’s work; it’s volume that counts.  Pile them high and wide.  If you know somebody is coming to your desk, bury the document you’ll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.

Voice mail.  Never answer your phone if you have voice mail.  People don’t call you just because they want to give you something for nothing – they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM.  That’s no way to live.  Screen all your calls through voice mail.  If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they’re not there – it looks like you’re hardworking and conscientious even though you’re being a devious weasel.

Looking impatient and annoyed.  Always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy.

Leave the office late.  Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around.  You coud read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but have no time until late before leaving.  Make sure you walk past the boss’s room on your way out.  Send important emails at unearthly hours (e.g. 9:35 PM, 7:05 AM, etc.) and during public holidays.

Creative sighing for effect.  Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are under extreme pressure.

Stacking strategy.  It is enough to pile lots of documents on the table.  Put lots of books on the floor etc. (thick computer manuals are the best).

Build vocabulary.  Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products.  Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses.  Remember: they don’t have to understand what you say, but you will sound impressive.

Have 2 jackets.  If you work in a big open plan office, always leave a spare jacket draped over the back of your seat.  This gives the impression that you are still on the premises.  The second jacket should be worn while swanning around elsewhere.