A Piece of My Mind

Working in a bank is not always fun.  The targets, the audits, the cash flow, the endless meetings, the late hours, every single one of them can just suck the youth out of you.  Even if some of you live under the pretense that "working is something you do to pass the time between the weekends," it’s still 5 days versus 7 days, you know.  So, you just gotta have something that makes you wake up with a smile every morning.  To me - because I’m not making a million a day yet - that something is friends.

Let me tell you something, young bankers are the hippest yuppies in town.  I can’t exactly explain how or why, but we just have this amazing talent of juggling between business and pleasures in split second, working both sides of our brain.  I can recall many moments when I was predicting future cash flow of my investment loan debtor while also planning a nite out at Retro with my party people.

Yup, that’s what I called my gang of hip coworkers: party people.  We might not come from the same field or building: from treasury, branch, regional office, commercial banking to priority banking, but we do have the same blood running through our veins and the same passion possessing our body: the passion to work smart and party hard!

So, last Friday, the hectic preparations to welcome the visit of our Board of Directors next week didn’t stop us to embrace Friday as the first day of the weekend.  I was planning to have another bitchy nite with Fenny that coming weekend, but she just had to attend classes at the uni first after work (and no way in hell I was gonna go to those classes with her!  As if four years of listening to boring lectures are not enough … sorry, Fench!), so Desy a.k.a Goddess Bitchy asked me to come up and join her at Regional Office, as she also had this urge to hang out after work.  Jo and I then decided to drop Fench first at uni (mati lah kau nak … cepat2 lah kau tamat kuliah), then went back to the office to fetch Goddess.  Our stomach had been killing us for some food, so we decided to go to Sushi Tei to fill up before joining the other guys at the bowling alley (Friday is bowling day at our bank).  Tapi kita masih sempet-sempetnya ngejemput double date kita yg satu lagi: Moza, Goddess’s extremely cute and smart little son.  Udah kayak keluarga bahagia mo dinner bareng gitu hahahaha.  Fench and Ayu finally joined us pigging on the chocolate wafer and chicken kariage after classes (kasian mukanya dah suntuk abis gara2 kuliah tak penting itu hahaha).  As we are eating and laughing and giggling, it already hit ten o’clock, we totally forgot about going bowling and it’s already too late anyway, so we decided to break the group.  Fench, Ayu, and I still have this huge energy left, so we caught up with some guy friends at the warkop in front of Sushi Tei, we call them: our new brondong hahahaha.  Sampe mbak-mbak pelayan Sushi Tei-nya heran: mbak2 ini kok keluar dari Sushi Tei ujung2nya nongkrong di warkop depan? Hahaaha.  An hour later, still with our Energizer bunny energy, we spent the night together at Fench, gossiping and giggling until the clock showed 3.30 AM!  Every single issue that this world is facing … okay I was exaggerating … that the Genk Bitchy members are facing, we talked about it fair and square … while Ayu kept munching on the snacks.  Emang acara nginep2 bareng gini is sooo baaad on the diet!

The next morning, we were awaken by a hint of sunlight from the window, with Ayu mumbling: “Woi … bangun woi … dah jam 1 woi …”   Waksss!  Jam satu siang?!!  And I checked my mobile: beberapa ajakan lunch and hang out buat seharian itu udah menuh2in inbox … termasuk pertanyaan ga penting dari Goddess:  “Woi, jangan tidur aja kelen … bangun!!  Aku mo nanya apa nama CD yg enak banget yg kmaren didenger di mobil itu.”  So we took a bath and did all the female stuff, and didn’t leave the house until a little bit after two, catching a quick lunch at the drivethru (a lunch date with a couple of our guy friends had to be cancelled because we’re practically running out of time.  Gampang lah kita pikir, ntar malem juga bisa ktemuan) then dropping Ayu at her house before continuing with our agenda for the weekend.  Fench had this committee meeting at the Regional Office, so we picked Goddess up from her house, then she dropped me at Lie for some hair treatment before joining forces together later after the meeting.  Bangsatnya itu rapat sampe jam 7!!  Gila, gw udah kayak nunggu orang melahirkan di Lie Salon.  Finally the gang: Fench, Jo, Arif, and Anto picked me up at Lie (Goddess had to split for a while because she had this food tasting at Grand Angkasa with the bosses), then we head on to Renato’s birthday dinner at Lembur Kuring.  Again, acara standar kita kalo lagi ngumpul2: foto-foto n of course giggle2 bitchy hahahaha.  In between the giggles, Fench and I planned a karaoke nite afterwards, so after passing on the words, we splitted to JetPlane.  Fench, Anto, and Arif were taking care of the booking and stuff over there (while the other guys were also joining us), while Jo and I went to the hotel to pick up Goddess …. Ah sialan si Goddess sampe sana masih ngobrol2 pula lagi ma bos2 itu …  Half an hour later, we were back joining forces together to rock that night with the rest of  the gang.  Mulai dari lagu Bercellicious-nya Destiny’s Child (ini versi Arif), Sexual Healing-nya Marvin Gaye (duet wajib Dams n gw diiringi tawa2 desah anak2 yg laen hahaha), sampe dangdutnya Inul (where Dams and Fench once again proved their dangdut showmanship!), semuanya kita jabanin.  Sayang anggota Genk Bitchy yg baru diinaugurasi – siapa lagi kalo bukan Jo – tetep stick to his sentimental side and sang a KD-Anang duet with Fence.  A thousand songs and a million giggles later (fire in the hole!), we ended the nite a little bit before 1, and Fench saying to me: “Iks kayaknya malem ini kita langsung tidur, ga sempet gosip2 lagi.”  So damn true, that nite we immediately hit the bed and didn’t wake up until 9 on Sunday.  And you think Sunday is just a day of sleeping, recharging the battery before manic Monday?  So wrong.  After breakfast and bye byeing Akbar who’s leaving for the week, we got ready and hit Lie again.  Fench had a wedding she had to go to (and I dodged! Hahahaha), and I was planing to hit the driving range with Jo that afternoon before attending this dinner with the international alumni later that night.  Parting our ways at Lie at around 3, I went home and rested for a short one hour before leaving to Tasbi to meet up with Jo, Ario, and P Blasius to practice the swings.  The dinner started at 7, so I resigned from the golfers a little bit after 6, speeding home and taking a short bath and a prayer before leaving to Medan Club just a little bit after 7.  Didn’t actually hit the bed until 11.  Oh man, keeping up with my social calendar and my concept of three-day weekend can be exhausting sometimes … but hanging out with the right crowd can never suck the youth out of me.  I just wish there were eight days in a week ; >

Today, I took a break from my hectic work life to have power lunch with my other circle.  It was actually an opportunity to meet eye to eye with our new board of advisors.  For several years now, I’ve been an active member of Bina Antarbudaya, the Indonesian foundation for intercultural learning and also is a partner of the AFS International.  With the main mission to promote intercultural understanding, Bina Antarbudaya has been working together with AFS International to send students for exchange programs in other countries, under the scheme of either full or partial scholarship.  Bina Antarbudaya has chapters in several regions in Indonesia, each one of them is responsible to hold three main activities: sending (selecting students who are qualified to join the exchange programs), hosting arranging and managing foreign students who spent several months to a year of home stay in Indonesia), and fund-raising (arranging events to raise funds for AFS activities in that regions, if possible also recruiting dedicated donors who will financially sponsor candidates who are talented but economically challenged.  That day, Shamir and I as the sending and hosting coordinators of Bina Antarbudaya Chapter Medan and Ifa as the chapter president were meeting our board of advisors which consists of three college professors who are actively involved in the community, on a very informal lunch to discuss where we want to take this foundation this year. 

As we were passing the burgers, the French fries, and the Cokes, we started discussing about charity events and fund-raising activities that we’re planning to do this year.  To celebrate 50 years anniversary of AFS in Indonesia, for example, we’re planning to hold a blood-drive working together with the Indonesian Red Cross.  But the main point at hand that afternoon was raising fund for our operational expenses and also finding the said donors.  Several activities came to our mind, from golf tournament (always a great event to raise fund as avid golfers who have the love of the game won’t mind splurging on green fee as long as they get to compete) and business seminars (somewhat simpler but need longer preparations on speakers and venues). 

But the biggest problem of all, of course, is finding regular donors who would help in sponsoring the financially challenged but extremely talented students, as it would require thousands of dollars to send one student to study abroad for an academic year.  As Bina Antarbudaya is a very independent foundation who holds strong integrity, it is extremely hard to find donors who would actually donate money with no strings attached (for example: "I’ll finance two other students if you also send one of my kids").  I could proudly say that the selection of AFS students is very rigid and clean, you won’t be able to go on the program unless you pass several steps of selection, from regional, national, to international.  Under-qualified candidates are surely not gonna pass, even if you are the president’s son or daughter holding a memo from your dad.  The reason for this is that it would take an extraordinary student to survive a year of culture clashes, academic requirements, and homesick, without coming home with culture shock or other psychological problems. This is not the ticket that you can buy, but this is the ticket that you earn.  And Shamir (a returnee from Germany), Ifa (a returnee from the United States), and I (a returnee also from the United States) are proud to be a part of this community and looking forward to carry the traditions for many years to come.

In today’s world, there’s no such thing as angels, referring to rich people who would donate money to these students purely as an act of conscience.  The question of "what’s in it for me" will always arise.  As one of the professors in our board of advisors said, being the skeptic yet the most logical: "There’s no such thing as free lunch.  If I were to approach local businessmen or government officials to sponsor the students, they will surely ask that ."  He said, there are three main reasons why people would willingly donate money for a cause: afraid of sins if they’re not (one of many reasons why people donate towards religious activities), ashamed of their environment if they’re not (one of many reasons why it’s so easy to raise money at alumni gatherings, you know what I mean), and looking forward to a benefit or advantage if they do (one of may reasons why companies donate towards the government, in exchange of projects and such).  "In AFS, none of these reasons exists," he added.  "This is not a religious activity, no one would feel ashamed or guilty if they don’t donate, and they don’t get anything by donating, am I right or am I right?" 

We all laughed out of the irony.  Shamir, Ifa, and I do donate our time towards managing AFS in Medan purely out of conscience and awareness that this is something important that we should carry on, as we get nothing out of this (our involvement at Bina Antarbudaya is genuinely volunteerism) other than the unbelievable feeling of satisfaction and self-contentment if we are able to recruit talented students each year then see them reach their dreams to study abroad and learn about other cultures.  Reaping future leaders.

As we closed the meeting that afternoon, we all left with a big question in our mind: "Will there always be no such thing as a free lunch?"

"You say you wander your own land.  When I think about it, I don’t see how you can.  You’re aching, you’re breaking, and I can see the pain in your eyes.  It says everybody’s changing and I don’t know why …"

"You know that this song describes every single thing that you said to me the other day?" I said to Fench as we drove through Warkop Harapan, this popular night hangout spot in Medan, listening to Keane’s live recording on CD.  It was a little bit after ten, and the street was getting crowded.  Fench glanced and said: "How?"  I slouched, resting my tired body on the leather seat, and answered: "You said that I can’t live in my own land, right?  And the way you’re insisting me to change to be more sensitive with my surroundings?"

It wasn’t actually Keane who inspired her and some other close friends of mine (Inge, Firman, and Wida to name some) to insist me to change.  But somehow they all agree that I should change, and I’m pretty sure that’s their original, individual opinion (I don’t think they actually have time to conspire and come up with the same thing).  And it’s all about how I deal with men …  God, I can’t believe that I’m writing about this, this is such another soul-baring moment for me, but oh well, we got this far and it’s all uphill from here, so here it goes. 

When I talked to Inge a few months ago about my dating disaster, she said to me (more than once, to be honest): "Remember when I told you not to look too perfect and smart?  Second, rengek2 dikit gapapa Ka hehehe."  Well, I guess you can define the two main problems now, right?  Most of my friends think that: one, I sound too smart all the time when I talk to men, and second, I never let any of them (the men, I mean) be the ‘guardian angel.’  I always appear so independent that they think I don’t need them at all.

And that’s just Inge.  Wanna know what Fench said?  "Ka, men’s ego will always drive them to think that they should be the one who guide the woman, not the other way around.  And they don’t feel like that when they interact with you.  Because you’re always smarter, always know more than them.  And you’re intimidating them with the way you talk.  Not to mention that you always seem so independent, Miss I-can-do-everything-by-myself-so-don’t-even-bother-to-offer-your-help-thankyouverymuch."  I exhaled, playing with my chopsticks and the wasabi as she kept on going and going about the things that I need to change.  The debate lasted three days, honestly, because she kept bringing it up in every conversations (from Sushi Tei, the car, La Salvador hangout, the slumber party, the mall-hopping, endless!), and I kept arguing: "Fench, I want my man to be smart because he’s smart, not because I play stupid in front of him," to which she replied: "Ih nih anak bandel kali pun, I’m not asking you to play stupid, I’m asking you to let the man tell you things sometimes, letting him feel that he can actually teach and tell you things.  Let him guide you, because he definitely wants to feel that you need his protection and his wisdom.  Let him have his ego sometimes, Ka."

Ah, this thing is giving me a headache.  Do we as women have to serve to their male ego all the time to make them feel good about themselves?  All of the opinions from my friends were playing in my mind as I wrote this.  Another friend, Desy a.k.a Goddess Bitchy, said to me: “Yeah, I understand it’s pretty hard for you to find a man who’s equally everything with you.  But instead of finding the one who meets your standard, why can’t you find someone who matches you in some points, and if he’s still below the standard a little bit, be the one who can guide him up and take him to your level.  It’ll only bring you closer, trust me.” Oh man, even the Goddess is telling me to change! But the only problem is, it’s so easy for me to lose interest in men who can’t even stand up to me in conversation.  I asked another close friend of mine, Wida, expecting her to respond in my favor.  Well, stupid expectations.  “I think Fench is right, Ka.”  Aaaaah!!!!   “You do have to stop sounding too smart all the time.  Let him take control sometimes.”  Now I’m starting to believe that they are all ganging up on me.  Time to get honest insights from the opposite sex.  So, later that night, I decided to ask some of my closest guy friends, messaging them this one simple question: “Do you think the way I talk to men is too harsh and intimidating?”

It only took a few minutes for them to reply.  Edwin said: “Hah? Serius lo nanya beginian?  It depends on individual perceptions.  His response on external situations depends on his behavior, which is also formed by cultural and environmental background.  (Btw, ini kata2 ini Edwin bangeeeet! Hahahaha).   But to me, it’s okay.  Nothing wrong with the way you talk.”  Yes, score one!  (Intinya gw sebenernya nyari cowok-cowok pembela gw di hadapan Fence, Inge, Desy, and Wida hahaha).  Score two came from Firman:  “Ya gaya orang Medan gitu lah … People who are not used to it might feel a little bit surprised.”   But he’s also not pushing me to change.  And score three, the final and winning score, came from my best friend, Jan.  Here’s what he said: “I, as a man, can place myself to be someone who may feel like it’s intimidating to talk to you. Just think about it in a simple way.  It’s not debatable that you’re an ‘above average’ women.  You have something inside that’s able to make male ‘jiper.’  Instead of taking it as a very helpful means to learn a lot from you, they just consider it as threat to self-esteem.  But I don’t think you should play stupid, you should just stay the way you are.  If some men are intimidated by that, well then maybe it’s not your market.”

Well, I was walking around the mall browsing for some light reading last weekend, again, listening to Keane on the PDA.  And I thought, well, maybe I should change a little bit … Not acting like I’m too smart all the time.  Try to give the guy an advantage.  Yeah, sure it’ll be so damn hard with my ego (the words “I want my man to be smart because he’s smart, not because I play stupid in front of him” kept playing in my head), but I just wanna see how it’ll change the situation.  So, as I picked Jon Huntsman’s Winners Never Cheat from the bookshelves, a man came up to me to strike a conversation, saying: “Great pick.  Although I prefer Norman Vincent Peale’s The Power of Positive Thinking.”  I smiled and said to him.  “I find Peale to be a bit too philosophical.  You should read The Power of Impossible Thinking from Wharton Business School.  Great insights on avoiding your cognitive lock.  Very practical.”  I was never too sensitive about men’s reactions when I started to talk like this, but being warned by previous comments from my friends, I noticed a slight change of facial expression on his side.  Maybe he’s thinking: “Gila ni cewek, gw cuma mo ngasi saran buku bagus doang langsung diomongin gini.”

I was laughing inside, thinking: well, sorry guys, I’m helpless.  Tried to actually change, but … quoting Keane: “Everybody’s changing and I don’t feel the same.”   Being a natural born smart bitch is not easy

The clock is ticking, guys, but life is no life without a purpose, right?  Well, I only got less than three years to make all of these happened, wish me luck! 

1.       Own a pair of Manolo Blahnik, Stuart Weitzmann, or Jimmy Choo

2.       Be able to drive

3.       Take a road trip with my girl friends

4.       Color my hair

5.       Publish my book

6.       Be on a magazine (again)

7.       Lose my Medan weight back to my Jakarta weight

8.       Be financially independent

9.       Improve my golf handicap

10.    Be more girly (so help me God)

11.    Teach children in remote villages (again)

12.    Own a Seven jeans

13.    Speak a third language (preferably French or Italian)

14.    Develop my book society into a charity foundation that provides books and reading houses for unprivileged children

15.    Earn at least twice as much what I make now

16.    Master a song on the piano

17.    Replace my MPV with a sedan

18.    Cure the asthma

19.    Take a trip to the States to see my old friends

20.    Have my own portfolio

21.    Start my post-graduate study, preferably not in Indonesia

22.    Learn to cook something hehehe

23.    Start a leadership camp for students on summer break (I’ve been developing this concept since college, so anyone interested in joining to co-manage or to volunteer, do not hesitate to contact me, kay?)

24.    Have another out-the-box moment and come up with an idea (whether it’s a marketing concept, a branding philosophy, or another book)

25.    Maybe start thinking about owning a house?

26.    Learn to be less hedonistic and more spiritual

27.    Have savings in foreign currencies

28.    Learn to be less egocentric and do as many selfless acts as I can

29.    Make a living from doing things that I love

30.    I know you guys have been waiting for this one: get married and settle down

I’ve always been an avid fan of The Apprentice since the day it first aired.  For once, a reality show actually challenges my mind and at times, it even felt like I’m on a virtual classrooms, learning how to make it big in the  real world.  It is really different between acing your Project Management class and actually being successful in the first project that you managed.  This is a thrilling, no-holds barred game where the ultimate prize is the dream job of a lifetime.  And being interested both in business and psychology, The Apprentice always fascinates me in the way that how the contradictive yet equally smart characters are working together towards the same objective while also competing for just one spot at the Trump’s conglomerate.

Anyway, I’ve known and make friends with so many people in my life, and as I watched The Apprentice final 8 tonight, I tried to jot down some names that I think deserve to be the final 8 candidates, well, one spot is secured for me of course, so here’s the other seven:

Sabrina  smart, inquisitive, and I always admire the way she’s always able to stand her ground.  Her integrity is unbelievable.  Although come on too strong sometimes, she also possess a great interpresonal skill, can bond well with her subordinates, being friends to them rather than acting like a boss.    Anto, one of only a few men who can hold up an intellectual discussion with me.  He’s deep, inquisitive, very Poker face (which can come in really handy in business negotiations), but can be very crazy sometimes!  An ideal thinking partner.  Firman, the candidate that possess an excellent interpersonal skill, adapts well in any situation, great presentation skills, and can always come up with crazy ideas … although a little bit laid back sometimes, his loyalty towards his team members is above reproach.  Firman is a partner I would choose if I were to organize a marketing project.   Fenny, great social skills, she can easily adapt with anyone anytime (I could say that she is the female version of Maman hahaha), very patient, smart, and full of creative, crazy ideas, never run out of energy (Energizer bunny banget deh pokoknya!).  Very quick thinker, doesn’t waste time for reconsideration but somehow manage to get excellent result.  Great partner for field project!   Jan, the most dedicated man I’ve ever known, honestly.  Will never stop working towards his target, committ 100 percent to every task assigned to him.  Works hard, but parties even harder! Hahaha.  Any project is not fun and exciting without him around.  Would take him on my team anytime!  Rio,   very calm and collected, works extremely well under pressure.  Can handle crisis with ease.  Great to have on stressful times, both as a thinking partner and managing partner on field projects. Melissa, another Energizer bunny.  Wow, it amazes me how us women sometimes outburst more energy than men.  Very hard working (here’s a woman who can manage the logistics for Aceh survivors in her stilettos, awesome right?), ambitious, extremely nice, and get along well with every one of her team members.

There are always 16 candidates in every season of The Apprentice, and here’s  the rest of the candidates who just didn’t make it to the final cut for some reason or another (jangan marah ya guys!): Wawan, Wida, Hafiz, Al, Damar, Noriyu, Stacey, and Nadia.

Deep thoughts about the meaning of life and the choices that we made in living it can happen anytime anywhere - when you are beating the traffic coming home from work whilst listening to Keith Urban, when you are sitting alone at a local Starbucks sipping Double Tall Latte, when you are taking swings at the driving range, or as I said in my previous column, when you’re talking with your friends at the restroom.  Well, last night, late in the office, my friend Jan and I poked at each other’s brain trying to define ourselves.

It started as just a regular conversation through Tonic messaging, catching up with the latest news in our simple (I know this is such an understatement!) yet eventful life, from: “How was your weekend?” to “Can’t believe I have to deal with this report all night.”  But as we started to dig deeper into ourselves, bringing up questions like “So, when’s the wedding invitation?” and “Are you still with him/her?”, the conversation just got more insightful.  We were questioning when do we actually know whether that person is right for us or not, whether we should fight for the relationship that we have now believing that person is actually ‘the one’ or whether we should find someone who are more suitable for us.  I said to Jan: “Gw percaya kata-kata Nino masalah cinta.  You should love someone in spite of, not because.  Jadi you love someone in spite of that person’s weakness and shortcomings, not because of that person’s strength or quality.”  And he insisted: “But right now, it’s not easy for me to look beyond that.”  And that’s truly the dilemma faced by most men and women in their late twenties: choosing ‘the one.’  The one that is worth leaving all the have-fun-go-mad life that we have now.  But sometimes we are also trapped in the process of choosing by being extremely, damn picky.  Jan said: “Ada sedikit ketakutan gw bahwa gw ga bakal nemu the one.  And also considering the fact that I’m getting older and that most of my time is consumed by work and work.”  To which I laughed and said: “Hehehe, look who you’re talking to.”  And he also laughed: “Yup, I know that.  That’s why I think you can understand how I’m feeling right now, more or less.”

Jan and I, how ever similar we are in our way of life, also hold some differences in this matter.  I said to him: “I’m a bit more egocentric than you.”  And he said: “Meaning?”  I leaned back on my chair as I answered: “I tend to believe in my guts than bowing down to the worry that I’m not gonna find the one.  Dalam arti, kalo emang gw ga selera, ya mampus situ lah, walo ada sedikit ketakutan ga nemu lagi.  Kalo gw percaya bahwa kalo itu emang jodoh lo, pasti ditunjukin jalan ma Tuhan.”  Jan totally agreed with me.  And I didn’t know what possessed me, I even quoted lyrics from Faith Hill’s song: “If my heart is lying, then what should I believe in.  Nah lo harus dengerin hati lo.”  Jan was laughing hysterically, in shock: “Aduh, Iks … sejak kapan sih elo jadi mellow swallow stabillow romantica diamor gini seeh …….”  I also laughed: “Hahaha … sejak gw lagi denger mp3 bangsat ini hahahaha.”

Talking about hearts, Jan and I - as the most eligible bachelor and bachelorette (sok paten abis hahaha) - are actually facing the same issue right now: filling up this hollow space in our hearts.  Jan said: "This emptiness that we feel in our heart and ourselves, as long as kita punya temen sih gak berasa."  Totally true.  As long as the social calendar is all filled up, I never actually really think about settling down in the near future.  But as I said to Jan: "Masalah kekosongan hati itu bener … bisa terlupakan dengan adanya best friends di sekeliling … tapi itu justru pedang bermata dua.  Lo ngerasa asik dengan adanya best friends around you that you stop thinking about filling in that space in our heart, ya gak?"  Jan offered his other point of view: "Honestly, space-nya best friends dan sweethearts itu beda."  I totally agree with him:  "Dengan sweethearts, banyak politik yang harus dijalanin, but best friends for me are actually like a second family, jadi udah biasa aja apa adanya."  Jan then said: "Iya, tapi kenapa kalo sama sweetheart itu, sisi sensitivitasnya lebih tinggi dibanding ketika level relasi kita masih hanya best friends ya?" 

Let’s be honest, many instances in our life in which we tolerate friends more than we do towards our spouse.  "If you or Fench did something wrong, for example, it won’t hurt me that much, maybe I’ll just get mad a little bit.  But if my boyfriend said something wrong, pasti udah ntah gimana rasanya, Jan."  I stretched a little bit (it’s already really late at the office and I was dead tired), waiting for Jan’s message to pop up on my monitor, and he said: "Tapi justru itulah yang salah, Iks.  If we use logic, we should understand our sweetheart more than we understand our best friends."

Subconsciously, I nodded.  "Totally true.  You know why that relationship gap happen?  Different expectations, Jan.  We have higher expectations towards our spouse than our best friends."  Jan immediately responded: "Exactly!  But napa kita gak pernah set higher expectations ama temen kita?"  The answer is very simple.  We accept our best friends the way they are.  "Lo emang begitu, gw emang begini, kita sama-sama terima kan?"  He then said: "When our best friends did something wrong, kita bisa dengan sangat mudah memakluminya.  Tapi saat sweetheart kita salah, kejangkaran banget rasanya!"

But to me, personally, it is such an utopian concept.  I said to Jan: "Because even if you’re dating Angelina Jolie, there must be a thing or two about her that you want to change."  And he agreed with me: "Yes, because nobody’s perfect."  And you know what else?  Somebody who is perfect in front of our eyes is not necessarily perfect in the eyes of our best friends, while we do need our significant other to be accepted by our friends, right?  But he said: "But for me, I’d listen to my heart than other people’s opinion.  Because I’m the one who’s gonna live with it.  Omongan orang hanya sebagian kecil consideration aja, tapi decision tetap mutlak di tangan gw," to which I replied: "But sometimes we are so blinded by love and passion that we can’t see what everybody else see."  Jan gave me a very wise statement: "You’re right.  Tapi kita harus posisikan diri kita dulu di posisi balancing antara heart and logic.  Baru kita bisa pegang kendali penuh, yang sehat tentunya." 

The problem is, even smart people like Jan and me (a very narcissistic statement!) tend to bow down to our heart than logic.  That’s why I think I need friends to tell me to wake up and smell the coffee sometimes.  "Lo percaya gak, no matter how independent and egocentric I am, kalo dalam bikin decision masalah cinta, aku lebih menyerahkan ma orang (like best friends) karena aku gak berani ngambil keputusan sendiri.”  At first, Jan debated me on this one: “Just to be the second opinion sih oke-oke aja, Iks.  Tapi seperti gw bilang, keputusan harus mutlak di elo.  Karena elo yang bakalan ngejalanin.”  Still, I said to him: “Gw gak mau ngambil keputusan mutlak di gw, karena kalo gw salah ngambil keputusan, I only have myself to blame, n gw lebih senang nyalahin orang hahahaha.”  He laughed with me as he said: “It’s so you, Iks, and it’s so me also hahahaha ….” 

“That’s why we are dangerous people, babe,” I kept on laughing.  “Iye, but people who are listening to this conversation pasti ngomong: sudah senget kurasa si Ika ma si Yan ini.”  I laughed.  “That’s why, Jan, we really need to find somebody who can live with our sengetness.”  But he said: “Are you sure that we can get along with spouse who is as crazy as us?  I’m not sure juga lah …”  I nodded.  “Aku yakin gak.  Karena aku percaya ma kata-kata opposites attract.  Orang yang tarikan magnet egosentris-nya sekuat kita, butuh orang yang tarikan magnet empati dan kasih sayangnya bisa mengalahkan egosentrisme itu.  But here comes the problem.  People who are very different from us tend to be intimidated by us, bener gak?  Jan then uttered: “Coba kata intimidasinya diganti dengan ‘mau memahami’ dengan ikhlas.  Gimana?”  I said: “Here comes the magic question: akankah ada orang yang memahami dengan ikhlas di saat kita juga gak mau memahami dia dengan ikhlas?”  Jan responded quickly: “Nah, sosok ‘lugu’ kayak itulah yang kita cari …”  But I disagree.  “But I don’t want a man yang tunduk ke gw.  Gw mau cowok yang so smart and so wise that somehow bisa bikin gw tunduk ma dia.  It has to be someone I admire, itu yang jelas.”  Jan said: “Susah kayaknya. Hahahaha …”  I laughed also: “Iya, aku pun sadar!  Laki-laki yang ku-admire di dunia ini pun bisa dihitung dengan jari di satu tangan!”  He said: “Dengan levelmu yang udah hampir ‘mentok’ di atas itu, siapa lagi yang bisa melebihinya?”  I exclaimed: “That’s very presumptuous!” to which he replied: “Memang hanya kita yang tau seberapa tinggi kita sebenarnya, but other people still have presumptuous judgment toward our image, before they find out the whole truth about us.  Hanya orang ciut dengan penilaian awal yang mereka bikin sendiri, udah itu belon tentu bener pula, ya kan?”

I HATE PRECONCEPTION!!  But Jan said that even how much we hate preconception, it still exists in the eye of the beholder, and that’s why most people value first impressions highly.  I said to him: “Friends take time to get to know you, while crush sometimes doesn’t.”  Jan then said: “Well, depending on the kind of friends.  Terkadang gw akan proaktif ngedeketin dia untuk buktiin bahwa gw gak seperti yang dia kira, tapi untuk orang-orang yang mungkin gak ada niatan kita untuk sesuatu hal (misalnya mo dijadiin pacar, atau best friend, or apa aja deh) kayaknya gak usah effort kali lah kita.  Ego banget ya … sok penting!”  I laughed: “Hahaha … sama la wak!  We are exactly the same on that one!  Males basa basi atau akrab-akraban ma orang yang gak penting di mata kita, kan?”  He totally agreed with me on that one.  “Betul kaleee!  Sombong kali kita ya? Hahahaha.”  And I said: “That’s right, Jan.  Because we are picky people,” to which he responded: “Saking picky-nya, gak nemu-nemu apa yang hakiki yang harusnya kita cari … Hahaha.” 

Well, anyway, this has become the longest blog that I’ve ever written.  We ended the conversation that night agreeing that while we’re gonna keep being picky, egocentric, arrogant, presumptuous, and the whole shindig, we can’t wait to meet the one who can make us say: “Love actually is being able to say I love you just the way you are.”

Nine fifteen on Monday morning, and I was in the rest room changing after the first period gym class.  In between the laughs ("Omigod, did you see how Jack tripped in front of  Langley’s class?  That is soo hilarious!"), the gossips ("Have you heard about Chad and Stacey?  They broke up!"), and the fashion updates ("We really have to go to Fred Segal this weekend, they’re having a major sale!"), a friend of mine Mandy (not her real name) walked in with a big grin across her face, and it was only two seconds to realize the fresh, huge hickey on her neck.  Huge!  And us girls ran to her and said: "You naughty girl!  Who was it?"  She grinned again and said: "All I can say that it wasn’t Mike," mentioning her boyfriend’s name.  Oh yes, that’s naughty Mandy, and I don’t think I should elaborate on what else naughty Mandy did if I want to keep this blog rated PG-13

Well, that was ten years ago, in high school, and now after a decade (honestly, for as far back as I can remember), restrooms remain the sacred place where women get together and share everything, from beauty tips (putting on the eyeliner in a way that most complements your face), the latest gossips (the hottest guy in town is finally available again), to secrets (you’re having second thoughts about the engagement and need your best friend’s insights).  I don’t know what kind of genie or witch that lives in every restrooms on earth, but it’s actually pretty amazing how you can just start to talk about everything, no limits and no boundaries, it’s like you’re under a magic spell to disclose everything once you step your foot in there.

Women use rest rooms as social lounges and therapy offices, while men use them merely as a place to relieve their nature calls.  When works get too stressing, for example, I would call my friend: "Meet you in the restroom in five minutes?"  Ten minutes of conversation about nothing (sale, shoes, music, and movies) or sometimes everything (career choice, men we’d like to marry, the meaning of life), and I’d feel psyched again, like a coach just pep-talked me before a big game. 

Once, I was on a double date with my best friend (she just met this guy), and half way through dinner, she would say: "I think I need to go to the restroom for a minute.  Iks, wanna come with me?"  And then as we closed the door, she looked at me enthusiastically and said: "So, Iks, what do you think?"  We spent a quality five minutes discussing the pros and cons of this new guy (from "He opened the door for me, took my hand as I stepped out of the car, such a gentleman, right?" and "Eww, he chewed with his mouth open" to "Did you see his shoes?  Fake Gucci is written all over him" and "Wonder if I should invite him in for coffee or not"), while of course, checking on each other’s appearance, from teeth to clothes (you definitely need to make sure that there’s no chili stuck to your front teeth and that the ‘headlight’ stays on hahaha).

Somehow restrooms have achieved the status of comfort zone that us women feel comfortable in doing anything and talking about everything in there, from smoking (for some friends of mine, hourly smoke break at the restrooms is a definite must), making sure the g-string is in place, changing from the formal suit to dresses if we want to go out after work, to an in-depth discussion that should belong on the shrink’s couch (whether it’s "I think he’s really emotionally abusing me, we should call it quits" or "Why do I suddenly feel that I’m losing the purpose of my life?").  And here comes the magic, the girl friends that we talked to in there also became more emphatic and very straightforward in giving comments and advice (“Yeah, I never really liked him anyway, you should really end this before he starts to physically abuse you” and “You should stop asking questions about life and just live it and see how the end of the day turns out!”).

So, hail to the restrooms! May the government and the companies never put security cameras or bug in there ; > 

Last Sunday was totally hectic for me, from practicing my swings for a couple of hours at the driving range, checking out this salsa class with my friends, a sushi lunch, a hair treatment, to a night of a very haunting horror movie with the gang (which caused us to freak a little bit during the whole drive home hahaha).  Check out F enny’s blog if you want to find out more about that eventful day.

Anyway, in between all the craziness and the laughter that day, I was invited to a radio talk show by a friend of mine, Evi.  It was actually her last day as an announcer because she’s leaving to Aceh for three months on the Aceh Monitoring Mission.     She also invited another friend, Rijal, who just returned to Indonesia last month.  And the topic on that day?  The love life of twentysomethings career woman. Hahaha, so right on the money, right?  Anyway, we started the show by talking about the policy in banks that we can’t marry men who work in the same bank as us.  Really cutting the market, huh?  Well, if I was planning to marry one, for example, one of us would have to resign.  And what sucks about it is: everybody automatically assumes that it’s the woman, me, who has to leave and find a job in another company.  Why is that?  If the man and I actually hold the same position, it won’t matter who should resign, right?  We can safely assume that the man could also find another opportunity in some other places, maybe even create a career jump.  But the assumption is always like this: "I already made a steady career here, so it’s safer for me to stay here.  I think it’s better for both of us if you’re the one who’ll resign," said the man.  Well, guys, tell me, do you actually think it’s always better for the man to stay and for the woman to leave?

We’re actually just half way through all the fun.  My smart mouth friend Evi then threw the one-million dollar question: "Why is it that a successful fun fearless female like you hasn’t tie the knot yet?"  I laughed: "You are seriously asking me this?"  She also laughed and nodded her head: "Damn serious!  Are you being too picky, do you have a high standard, are you still focusing on your career, what?  Well, let’s get a male point of view on this.  What do you think, Jal?"

I would never actually guess what he’d say.  "Well, a lot of the guys I knew are intimidated by your career, honestly.  And all the things that you are."  And I said:  "What?  Ntahapahapa lah!"  After all, I’m not Condolezza Rice or Hillary Clinton.  Again, he said: "I’m serious.  They said that you wouldn’t even give them a second look if they’re not in the same place as you are now."  Now even the radio operator was listening to us very attentively.  “And by being in the same place I am, you mean …”   And he said, “I mean, at least the same position you are, earning at least the same amount of money, well, things like that.”

That was a man’s point of view.  A few days before, my friends Wida and Hera actually talked about this behind my back (ya, udah ngetop banget gw ya sampe digosipin gitu hahaha), and luckily they decided to share it with me the next day.  And I’m telling you, guys, it’s really shocking how different a man and a woman’s answer can be.  To Wida and Hera, the reason is not the intimidation, but the image.   Haduh, lebih ancur lagi kan? Hahahaha.  They said: “Don’t be mad, okay, but we believe it’s the image and the extraordinary things that intimidate men.”   And I said: “Huh?”  Then Wida went on and explain about my hedonistic image (the shopping, the clubbing, and even the bitchiness hahahaha).  I was still a bit confused about the extraordinary things (in their words: cewek yang ga biasa menurut kodrat), until she explained so vividly: “You’re not a domestic woman at all, right?  You don’t know how to do any housework. right?  And you are way too dominant as a woman.  Men will definitely be intimidated by that.”

Ah, pusing gw pusiiiiiingggg.  Masa sih gw harus bisa cuci-cuci piring?  I said to them: “Housework? We got maids to do that.  Attending the babies?  We have babysitters to do that while I’m at work.” And Hera uttered: “Nah itu dia Ka.  You’re high maintenance!  Maids, babysitters, and all that, it’s all about the money, babe!”   I laughed out loud.  “Sialan kelen sialan!”  And then the discussion continued.  I kept insisting that my standards are not as high as they think, to which Wida replied: “Halah Wid, gw cuma pengen cowok yang pinter, takut Allah, n gak item (she was quoting me here).  Kaya?  karena gaji lu udah abis untuk hidup lu?  Tampilan harus dandy?  Karena lu ilfil ama cowok yang ga matching bajunya.  Pikiran liberal tapi adat Melayu kental?  Liat Ka, batasannya banyak kan?  Ada berapa orang Melayu yang liberal, cerdas, alim, kaya, dan gak item?”  I was laughing as I answered: “There’s one.  Sultan Brunei.”  Hahahaha.

Anyway, ngomongin beginian ga bakal abis-abis.  Anyway, I just have to say, although I find a man in black Hugo Boss suit very sexy, I think the sexiest thing is a man who knows what he wants and knows how to get there.

Okay, this is how it started.  Some friends of mine who are also devoted readers of my blog lately have been dubbing my style of writing as "very Carrie Bradshaw minus the sex."  Well, last Friday, one of them suddenly grinned and said, "Okay, Miss Bradshaw, let’s see how you can take this to the next level."  I was a little bit confused: "Meaning?"  The other one then jumped in: "Let’s see if you can actually live up to the name.  We challenge you to actually write about sex, sex, and sex."  And I said: "What?  Are you kidding me?"  All of them then started to get really excited in laying down the rules about how this challenge is gonna go, and they all finally agreed on one simple rule: I have to write about sex, in Bahasa, and finished by Monday.  I panicked: "You guys want me to write about sex in Bahasa?  Come on, you know my Indonesian sucks!  I can’t do this!  And where am I gonna get an idea about sex in two days?"  Their bitchiness was so high on the radar when they said: "We don’t give a shit.  Just go on a date with a guy tomorrow, buka kamar, then write about it on Sunday.  Easy, right?"  I laughed my ass off: "You bitches are going nowhere with this."

Anyway, it’s now a little bit after ten, I just got home from a Starbucks after-work hangout with some friends, and I picked up the PDA as I lounged on my bed.  I never bow down to a challenge before and I’m sure as hell I’m not gonna start now, so I’m actually gonna do this.  Write about sex.  But sorry, guys, just NOT gonna do it in Indonesian (yeah, that’s right, you think I’m gonna write in Bahasa again after you all said: "Iks, lo blajar bahasa Indonesia gak sih pas sekolah?!").

I’m not gonna give you a quick lesson in kama sutra or "pleasing your man with your hand" kind-of-thing, well, maybe we’ll get around that later as I’m getting comfortable with this   I’m just gonna present you with a question that haunts every single woman in their twenties nowadays: how far would you go with your boyfriend?  In the four stages of sexual relationship and the three areas of our female body, what would you do and which would you give?  Okay, sit down, take a deep breath, and let’s talk about this as honestly as we can.

The course of modern dating has taken as to a whole new level, where holding hands while strolling in the park or a quick peck on the lips doesn’t send shivers up our spine anymore, we even do those things with our friends.  Now, we are faced with more ways to express our passion and love: kissing, necking, petting, or intercourse?  FYI, a quick peck doesn’t count as kiss for me, come on, how could you call two lips colliding for two seconds as kissing?  I’m talking about a heated moment of passion when his tongue is roaming in your mouth gently as you close your eyes, enjoying his sexy, wet lips on yours, and letting him know how it feels when you bite his lips a little bit as you’re getting ready nibble him as you would melting chocolate ice cream.  That, my friend, is a kiss.

The trouble - or is it the fun? - of a passionate kiss is that of course, it rarely stops there.  Because as his lips are locking onto yours, as you’re breathing more heavily, he will start to move down, kissing your cheeks, nibbling your ear, and then moving down your neck, feeling every little inches of your smooth skin with his wet, longing lips.  And now, the control is in his hand.  All I can do now is … oops, I mean all you can do now is close your eyes and let him give you delicate yet steaming pleasures.

Now, does it stop there?  Well, if you were in the movies and suddenly the light is turned on, you just had to stop it right there and walked out of the cinema like nothing happened.  But if you were somewhere more private, like your car or even his bedroom, now that’s a different story.  Men are known to be a true admirer of a female body.  Don’t tell me you never walk around the mall and notice some men noticing your feminine curves.  Not just strangers, our guy friends, who see us on a daily basis, do still check us out as we stroll by past them (or even more directly, they’re actually glancing at our assets and not looking at us in the eyes when we’re speaking to them). 

Boyfriends, of course, will do more than just glancing and noticing.  As we’re surrendering to their hypnotizing kisses, their arms will start to pull you closer, and their hands will begin to travel all around your body.  When your hands are resting upon his chest, his hands are actually caressing all over, and girls, let me tell you something.  This would be the perfect time to grab hold of your conscience and decide how far you want to take this.  One second too late, and before you know it he would have moved his hands under your shirt and started to undress you.  And here comes the intercourse.

Modern women and men do have the choice whether they want to engage in pre-marital sex or not, as some of us believe that sex is the ultimate expression of love that couples should do even before they join hand together in marriage.  We also have the choices on how far we want to go: kissing, necking, petting, or intercourse, and how much we want to give to our significant other: the neck above, between the neck and the hip, or below the hip.  Each one of them will give us distinctive pleasure and even addictions.  But as any modern woman who knows the consequences, I just would like to say: make your choices under a conscious mind, not under your boyfriend’s body

On a long afternoon at Lie, as the hairstylists were working on us, Fench and I just decided to fiddle with the PDA and came up with the A to Z words to describe our "I" brand.  Well, I’m telling you, it wasn’t very smooth, there were countless arguments from "Enak aja lo bilang gw harsh!" and "Eh, udah banyak kali kata-kata di situ yang bilang gw bitchy" to "Yakin lo virgin? Hahaha."  But, with some negotiations and a little bit of fighting over the PDA, here’s what we came up with.  Oh anyway, by the time we finished doing ours, the scalp massage wasn’t done yet, and we just thought of Firman who was waiting for his baby boy’s birth into this world then (when this blog is published, Inga has given birth to a handsome baby boy named Muhammad Rakamulya Yudiansyah.  Congrats to the new mommy and daddy!) so we also decided to do his.  Hope you like it, Man! 

Ika:

A mbitious

B right

C harming

D eep

E gocentric

F un

G orgeous

H edonistic

I ndependent

J aunty

K

ind

L iberal

M indful

N aughty

O utgoing

P retentious

Q uasi-tolerant

R omantic

S mart

T o the point

U nique

V irgin

W ild

X tra-narcisstic

Y oung

Z ealous

Fench:

A mbitious

B itchy

C alm

D own2earth

E gocentric

F un

G iggly

H omey

I nnocent

J ealous

K

ind

L ively

M ysterious

N aughty

O utgoing

P icky

Q uasi-moody

R omantic

S exy

T alkative

U nique

V irgin

W ise

X tra-wild

Y ummy

Z onetick !!

Firman:

A ssertive

B old

C harming

D azzling

E mpathic

F un

G entleman

H onest

I nquisitive

J oker

K

ind

L ively

M oody

N aughty

O ver-confident

P ersistent

Q uick-thinking

R ational

S incere

T alkative

U nderstanding

V ery adaptive

W ise

X tra-laid back

Y oung daddy

Z ealous

Take 15 minutes and do yours au pair with your best friend, it’s very eye-opening!