A Piece of My Mind

I can’t sleep at all tonight, everything just seems to be wrong today.  And what’s worst is, I have no idea why I feel this way …. well, maybe I do.  I think, wait le me rephrase that, I believe that my two greatest fears in life just come true: becoming stupid and having no dream. 

People who know me, my closest friends even, would probably just say that I’m overreacting, I’m being paranoid.  Well, call me a chameleon, a fake person, or whatever, even the closest person to me won’t have the slightest idea what’s going on inside of me right now.  I might appear cheerful, outgoing, extremely extroverted (even my psychological profile says that I’m unusually extroverted), but I’m actually a very private person (I have said before that my most honest moment is with God and God only).  Does that mean that my outer image is synthetic?  That everything you know about me is just a false impression? 

Well, I won’t go that far.  It’s just that, there are some things that I think I just have to keep to myself, sacred things that I won’t think in a million years I would share with anybody.  Why?  I don’t know.  I just think that revealing them would definitely take me away from my comfort zone, and I’m not ready to do that, at all.

But tonight, as I stared on the TV screen feeling nothing, picked up my eye pillow and still can’t sleep, listened to Norah Jones but still can’t feel a hint of serenity in my soul, I just picked up the PDA and started this blog, what I think to be my most honest blog so far.  Tonight, it’s like I’m on the psychological episode of Fear Factor, baring my soul in front of millions of eyes, exposing my fears.

Because I am truly scared.  There are two things, two main things that always make me wake up with a smile: having my hyperactive mind and having dreams to chase.  And I don’t know what ticks this off, today I feel like I’m losing both.  Literally.  My creativity is going down the drain (can people be brain dead without having a seizure or stroke?), I think I achieved nothing in the last few weeks (let’s be honest and call it months).  My narcissistic side always allows me to admire myself, be proud of my ideas and my way of thinking, but man, is that all gone too?  I think I’m so stupid that there are a lot of things that I wish I could solve, but I couldn’t even begin to think.  It just feels like I just woke up from my cryogenic period, but my brain’s not waking up with me. 

And what’s worst, the excitement of chasing a dream, getting closer to the finish line of my marathon, it’s all also disappearing.  There’s no dream to chase, no objective to go to, hence no finish line to run too.  I’m sure if you have experienced this phase of your life (God, how much I wish this is just a phase that I will grow out of soon), you’d understand how I feel.  Have you ever sat in the office, thinking: God, what am I doing with my life?  Sat at lunch, wondering: I don’t even know what I’m doing everything for.  Sat in your car, staring blankly on the traffic, thinking: Am I gonna keep doing this routines like a zombie then wake up and realize I’m 80?

I wrote this blog as an ignition to jump start my brain, but now everything: Matthew Fox’s voice on Lost, my friend’s advice on the phone, the Covey book lying on my drawer, even Sting’s meaningful lyrics on the CD cover, it’s just a psycho babble to me.  Means nothing, do nothing, solve nothing.  Nada.  Niente.  I still don’t know what I’m gonna do with my life tomorrow, the next month, the next 3 years, the next 10 years.  I’m like a chick losing its hen, like a runner on blindfold, scrambling around trying to touch that ribbon that reads "Finish."  For all I know, I might be running around in circle, or what’s worst, running toward the wrong objective. 

Yeah, you might say I think to much.  I remember the night I saw Dead Poet Society.  Carpe Diem, Robin Williams said.  Seize the day.  That’s exactly what I had been doing in the last few months.  Enjoying the moments.  Living for now.  Treading water.  I just think that now my arms get tired of treading the water.  I need to swim towards something, anything.  But I’m just floating, doggy-pedaling, wondering which way to go.  I’m clueless and dreamless, how worst can it get?  (I decided to go to sleep when I reached this sentence).

(And when I woke up) On my desperate attempt to uplift my brain, I grabbed every Citibank book on the bookshelves, skimming-read them, trying to make sure that I am as brilliant now as I was 2 years a go, when everything was just a walk in the park for me (if I have a shrink, this action only would grant me 3 years on the couch).  Then from my Project Management book, a piece of paper slipped out, my MBTI profile: ENTJ (extraversion, intuition, thinking, and judging), explaining me a someone who’s sociable and expressive, future-oriented and values imaginative insights, a logical problem solver, and wants to regulate and control life.  Wow, now it strikes me even more: now I’m not that expressive, I don’t have a specific future to cling on to, my imagination is on hiatus, I’m not all that logical anymore (can you call someone who panicked at an Insead case study logical?), and yes, I am losing control of my life.

I put on my jeans, I really need to go out and see my friends to get my mind of this (there’s my extraversion), and as I browse my T-shirts and find an almamater shirt, I start to wonder whether I should just leave my job right now and go back to school (and here’s my intuition), but then considering how much I have to pay my company if I leave and be in breach of contract (my logical side starts to kick in), I sit down as I choose which shoes to wear, planning quietly inside my head about which path to cross if I want to be somebody in two years (and here’s my judging tendency).

I get in the car still wondering about my dreams and the future, but as I close my eyes when John Mayer starts singing Why Georgia, I smile and think: well, maybe I just think too much.

A man once said to me, there are three kinds of people in this planet: the ones who make things happen, the ones who watch things happen, and the ones who wondered what happened.  I’ve been a little bit of the three, but I always try to be one of those who actually make things happen.  It’s not a walk in the park, but there’s just this unbelievable feeling of satisfaction and accomplishment when you actually make it happen, whatever that is.

I look up to five extraordinary gentlemen, who as far back as I can remember, were always the ones who made things happen, always the ones who possessed the most admirable qualities I can think of.  These fives are the real-life version of The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen.

John F. Kennedy, Jr.

I loved John John not just because he’s a Kennedy, the prince of American political kingdom, or the fact that he’s hot as hell, but because he had this indigenous charm coming out of him, and had the ability to push through his dream and to follow his heart. He made many brave choices in his short life, including launching a political lifestyle magazine called George, choices that he was totally committed to.  Growing up as the First Son could get over his head, but he had proven undoubtedly that he possessed the dignity and intelligence to live life on his own.

John Nash

I have to admit that I learned about John Nash from the brilliant depiction of his life in A Beautiful Mind.  Nash had his limitations: he suffered from paranoia and schizophrenia and he also lacked social skills due to his overbearing intelligence and self-involvement, yet he managed to live a full life: he’s one of the most important people who set the foundation of economics, he won the Nobel Prize despite of his mental problem, and he was a living proof of unconditional love between a man and a woman.  I will forever admire his dedication towards the things that he believed in and the things that he loved.

Bo Bice

Bo, to me, is a legend.  I chose to take a hiatus from my social butterfly life not to miss any of his performances on American Idol last year.  Bo won my heart for fighting for something that he truly and genuinely loves: the spirit of rock and roll.  Started his passion for singing with his band the Sugar Money then took America by storm with his brilliant talent to deliver music from his soul through Idol, Bo also never ceases to amaze me with his humble heart.  There are countless arrogant, talented people out there, but Bo is surely not one of them.

Lance Armstrong

Lance had everything in his life when he was diagnosed with prostate cancer: he had won Tour de France more times than any man on this planet.  Nothing could have prepared him less to face the terrible news, and no one could have predicted that he actually won the fight against cancer and later won another title of the most grueling sports event on earth.  Lance is one of the very few people who are equipped with the strongest heart and the most undefeated spirit, because he loves himself as much as he loves the things he believes in, not letting anything to stand between him and his dreams.  I’d be lucky to have just half of his spirit and determination.

Yusuf Mansur

I first saw Yusuf on a special Idl Adha feature  on TV.  But the first time I suffer from chronic admiration for him was when he spoke at a credit analysis workshop at my bank just two weeks ago.  It was actually pretty late, I was thisclose to fainting from exhaustion, and he came into the ballroom, speaking about living life to the fullest on earth with a clear objective towards Allah’s blessings, and how Allah promises us ten times the blessing and grace if we’re just willing to give back to the ones in need.  People who know me would testify any day that I’m not a very religious person, but I do listen to Jeffry Al Buchari and Arifin Ilham from time to time, and that night Yusuf Mansur just blew my mind.  It’s not just because he’s incredibly smart and straightforward when speaking his mind, but also because he spoke from the heart. And the fact that he’s only a year older from me but possesses ten times the wisdom?  Due to the nature of my self-centeredness, rarely do someone could really reach into my heart when he or she speaks, but that night, he did.

So, there it was, the five gentlemen who, if we have the science to combine them into one man, would have a deadly combination of the most desirable qualities a man can have: John John’s charm and wit, Nash’s intelligence and perseverance, Bo’s humbleness, Lance’s determination and spirit, and Yusuf’s heart.  Well, I’m gonna be very selfish and add Brad Pitt’s face and body to the combination

I love SMS.  This simple technology gives a new meaning to non-verbal communication:

·          When you have something to say, but don’t have the guts to say it to your friend’s face, you can take time to compose the wisest words you can think of then send it through SMS.

·          You’re in no condition to speak through the phone (you’re in a meeting, you have a sore throat, you’re crying), you can just send SMS.

·          The wisest words or advices that you got from your friends can be saved in your inbox, just something to read later when you’re feeling down.

So here’s some of those memorable SMS, hillarious or wise, that I got from my friends and family:

ON MEN:

Ntah cem mana selera kau ka … Sebentar suka sama yang kurus, sebentar sama yang gendut.  Pusing aku bah … (Wawan)

Mrs. Solis, gw sdg di gedung elnusa dan ngikik2 sendiri. Di sini ada tkg kebun mas2 yg pake seragam dgn tulisan "gardener.", kebayang you flirt him hahaha. (Wida)

Gaklah …. Kynya kau jg makin sexy … I believe so!  Just remember one thing … Stop being too smart all the time …second rengek2 dikit ya gpp ka … Hahahaha (Inge)

Jd ka mnrt gw ga ada harmless flirting. Flirting ya flirting apapun bentuknya.  Gw pikir lu cm main mata aja, tyt … Aduh, aduh. Bandel jg ya lu. (Wida)

Remember when I told u to not to look too perfect n smart? N there now its so revealed … Guys for u at least shud at least see half season of friends …;)  (Inge)

Anjrit!! Aduh ka, tlg dirubah smua yg lo sbtin td, bakalan jd mimpi buruk buat suami lo tar.  Ya cm lo yg bs mikir n mutusin ms dpn lo ka … Kl gw, p bilson, n p edie cm bs kasi nasehat positif aja, tinggal lo yg netapin hati n ambil langkah pasti buat ms dpn lo.  Ka, kt hidup cm sbntar, apalagi yg mo lo cari di dunia ini?  Gk ada habisnya ka … Sukuri yg udh lo dpt n now try 2 find ur soulmate!!  Dats d imp thing u must think about!  Ok? (Fenny)

Iks: he’ll never change, until u start it first!! So u know d prob and u get d answer, what r u waiting 4, iks? Change ur bloody malassss (Sabrina)

ON THE TERRORISTS ACT:

Now this kind of event may kill dealer … (Wawan)

ON PERSONALITY AND LOOKS:

Hei beb.  Cie finaliss fff kita. Kok bisa sih?  Fun, oke lah.  But fearless?  Come on man, bukannya ama daging merah aja lu takut ka? Hehehe …. (Nenden)

Jangan kelamaan di mdn ntar jadi cewe standard loh …Hui… (Aris)

Eh, dah ktm hal 52 kan?  Hehe u look so different in softlens.  Knp ga pk terus?  (Indah)

Gw ga blg lu insane, tp gw lgsg mengernyitkan dahi … Speechless.  Macam org stres aja kau!  Ikut yoga aja kalo gitu. Emang otak lu penuh krn apa?  Apa yg pengen dibuang?  (Wida)

Oh … Ngobrol dong … Pilihannya apaan?  He he enak kerjasama & cooperatif, mndukung team & temen se team banget, apalagi sih?  Gw belon nemu jelek lo kec tukang boong haha (Indah)

Ah ngeri kali kau mandi bawa2 hape, dah macam org sibuk aja … (Edwin)

Gw ngakuin kok klo lu cerdas.  Beda ama anak2 lain yg pinter krn byk blajar.  Lu itu kyk … Pak Hana! Hahaha.  Dia sll blg bego itu ckp 1 minggu, stlhnya hrs udah bs nguasain kerjaan dan ilmunya. (Wida)

Wah tega lo ka, ditinggal tdr gt.  Mending ditinggal kawin d drpd lg insomnia trus ditinggal sendiri..Hiks!  Ok d, c u gurl.  Oya, klo bsk pagi2 bc ni sms gk ush sonyum2 tak jolas ya!  Eh lo tu kok bs tegar n mandiri bgt ya ka?  Gw salut bgt liat lo!  Individualisme lo tu tinggi bgt say, ah!  Malas x ngesms panjang2 gk ada blsan!  Udhla ya … (Fenny)

Emang susah sih ya klo garis tangan udah publik figure, kmana2 pasti ada media massa he3 (Kiks)

ON CAREER:

Ya klo mo karir ya jkt, tp klo mo hidup tng ya mdn, tp karir di cbc ok kok … (Getmy)

Gw lagi ots nsb kontraktor … Klo udah bergaji 600 jt & ngetop jgn lupa ama gw ya … (Ruly)

Kyknya cm kt yg lolos seleksi beauty n smart, hi2 (Fenny)

Iya, cuti aja ka klo bisa .. Gw yakin elo bisa msk 3 besar deh, dan jaminan beken …. Seluruh Indonesia nonton elo, dr konsultan kyk EY, PWC, BCG bs tau skill elo (Firman)

Kayanya lu udah keilangan dua2nya.  Eh bodo kali kau gantungin mimpi di mandiri.  Gw selalu kagum ama org yg punya 2 profesi yg samasekali beda.  Mis: tompi, penyanyi yg dokter bedah.  Gw yakin lu bs jd ika, penulis yg banker!  Di mdr lu bs dpt gaji tetap, dgn nulis lu dpt kepuasan.  Lu bisa ka!  (Wida)

ON SPIRITUALITY:

Abu Hurairah RA: Sabda Rasul: Lihatlah org yg di bawahmu & jgn lht yg di atasmu, agr kamu tdk remehkan nikmat yg Allah berikan pdmu (Dean)

Kalau kau merasa sulit/teraniaya/khawatir … banyak2 baca Ya Akhiru Yaa Muakhiru (min 101 kali tiap sore) kalo bisa sering2 dibaca. Jgn lupa diniatkan. (Edwin)

ON FRIENDSHIP:

Trus2 ada permintaan lg? ga minta bayarin credit card, atau pln, atau isi aqua? Nanti ya klo inget (Rio)

Anak2 pada berusaha menghibur … Tp ya cuman gitu doang … Gw males curhat ama mereka … Mereka gak tau apa yg kita rasakan… (Firman)

Ya udh d gw ngerti, tp slanjutnya lo jgn gn lg ya say … Pliisss.  Kt kan hrs slg nasehatin, kl gw ada tingkah yg lo rasa hrs gw rubah lo blg jg ke gw.  (Fenny)

Time will always fly, but our friendship will never end. (Wawan)

Hello guys, hari ini kita ga usah capek ngomongin filosofi n pertanyaan ttg hidup d, bosen juga, lagian udh capek selama liburan kmaren cuma bengong mulu, so it’s time to party!

  Jadi kmaren sore tuh, returning from cuti, gw maen ke kantor dong sore2 gt, rencana sih mo drive bareng ma si Fenny and Kiks (dua2nya lagi smangat banget golf sejak udah beli stik baru pula hihi + their shocking pink sunday bags).  Eh ternyata, gw ma mereka tuh ikutan jadi panitia Raker (gile juga tuh orang Kanwil nugasinnya ke geng bitchy, cembetol), n sore itu ada rapat panitia gt.  Technically, gw masih cuti, so gw bisa ga ikutan dong, tapi kasian tuh anak 2 keperangkap di rapat hampir 2 jam hahaha.

So sambil nunggu mrk yg sumpah lama banget (gw sampe ngsms Fenny n bilang macam nunggu orang melahirkan, n dia jawab sabar la Iks ini baru bukaan 7, halah!) gw ngobrol ma bosnya si Fenny, siapa lagi klo bukan P Edie, ngomongin masalah career jump dan pilihan karir gt.  Gw makin kagum aja tuh ma P Edie, dia bener2 supportive n blg: Ka, mumpung masih muda, kalo aku jadi Ika, aku udah loncat2 ke mana2.  Ya detail nya ga usah dibahas di sini la, masih agak2 secret soalnya hehehe (btw Inga, klo ada more opportunites open at MNC please keep me posted ya, hari kemerdekaan gw udah dekat hihihi).

Anyway, akhirnya kedua ce itu return, dengan shocking news (ngalah2in berita Paris Hilton eskete ma Nicole Richie): si Fenny disuruh jadi instruktur aerobik (aerobik or aerobitch? Hahaha) pas Raker!  Hahaha, ntahapahapa, makin aneh aja, jadi katanya ntar pas Raker gt ada sesi relaksasi, bapak2 Kacab n Manager itu disuruh relaksasi sambil aerobik, gila kocak abis!  Tampang si Fenny udah stress berat, kaset aerobik pun tak punya (btw gw udah nawarin pinjeman vcd aerobik poco2 gt, tapi kayaknya abis blog ini publish pun eskete/musuhan kami hahaha).

Akhirnya gw n Kiks dinner bareng dulu di Brother’s Cafe yang letaknya di gedung Mandiri jg sambil nunggu Maghrib.  Ga tau napa tiap ke Brother’s gw keinget temen gw Jan yg baru aja bday kmaren (dia msh agak2 shock krn baru meninggalkan era twentysomethings hihi), mungkin krn tiap kesitu dulu gw slalu nyamperin dia yg kantornya pas di sebelah.  Gila, gw jadi kangen gini ma lo Jan, dengan bibir bocormu itu hahaha.

Gw ma Kiks misah ma the boys yang ga ikutan driving n katanya sih mo Casino Night gt (ini nama kerennya, padahal maen joker ajanya orang itu hihihi).  Udah lama bgt kyknya gw n Kiks ga nongkrong bareng, ngobrol2 bullshit yang ga penting tapi ya perlu jg hahaha.  Kt ngomongin masalah awal pertemanan kt b3 gt (gw, Fench, n Kiks maksudnya), di mana kepribadian gw n Kiks itu fotokopi abis, sementara si Fench itu beda banget ma kita, walo ada 2 hal yang undeniably similar di antara kt b3: narcissism and ke-bitchy-an hihihi.  Trus kita b3 kan berasal dari direktorat yg beda gt: gw di Commercial Banking, Fench di Treasury, Kiks di Regional Network, asli buka bank sendiri jg bisa hahaha.

Waktu udah mendekati jm 7, gw ma Kiks lgs cabut ke driving range di Tasbi, ktemuan ma Fench di sana.  Malem ini kita lg semangat bgt nih (gw jg udah lama bolos driving jd kyknya perlu reboost d). Langsung 300 bola bo!  Btw, kt pelatihnya backswing gw lg ancur, tapi untung bisa cepet dibenerin lagi (gw gt loh hahaha).  Tapi swing-nya si Fench ma Kiks lagi bagus2-nya gt (klo lo b2 baca ini jgn langsung senyum kegeeran gt ya dodol!), kyknya jodoh abis gt dengan stik barunya.  Smentara gw somehow kok jd kagok gt ya nyoba stik mrk (lbh pendek n ringan banget sumpah) krn gw udh terbiasa pake stik cowok.  N malem itu pukulan gw lagi bagus banget pas pake wood no. 5 Honma punya Rio, tumben2nya bisa sampe 150 yds gt.  Ayo turun lapangan d!

Capek udh abis 350 bola (dan jempol kanan gw udah dibebat pake Hansaplast), kt cabut late dinner di Warung Ijo (kyknya tmpt nongkrong wajib anak ODP Medan sekarang d, sampe ktemu ma Renato n ce-nya gt.  Klo the boys ga Casino Night pasti jg nangkring di situ).  Kiks nyamber majalah Perkawinan buat dibaca sambil nunggu pesenan dateng, n awalnya sih yg kita bahas masalah the perfect dress (Vera Wang), the perfect wedding (intimate garden party by the lake, dgn undangan ga lebih dr 300 org, which is agak2 impossible buat kawinan di Indonesia yg biasanya undangannya sampe 1000!), the perfect shoes (Stuart Weitzmann atau Jimmy Choos?  Lama2 bahasan ini makin impossible, macam gaji kt kerja ma Donald Trump aja), the perfect husband (cowok Batak vs cowok Jawa vs cowok Melayu, gw ga usah bilang d pemenangnya sapa, agak2 SARA soalnya hihihi), tapi ujung2-nya malah ngebahas masalah peer and society pressure buat cepet2 nikah hahaha, males ga sih? (smentara si Fench yg lg obsess ma 9300 barunya malah sibuk Friendster-an, halah).

Ga kerasa udah jam stengah sebelas malem gt, so we splitted up.  What’s the next agenda, ntar d dipikirinnya, gw mo tidur dulu, gila badan gw pegel banget.  Gnite!!

Pffiuh, it was such a big release when I finally managed to leave meetings, targets, cash flows, action plans, and other shindigs related to work for a whole seven days.  The joy of curling up in bed at 11 o’clock on a Tuesday, the comfort of sipping tea in front of the TV, and the beauty of having brunch next to the swimming pool, my choices were endless. 

So that particular morning, I chose to indulge in my guilty pleasure: exploring the whole mall all by myself, followed by lounging at Starbucks.  There I was, sitting on the sofa, with a bottle of Sparkling Equil (I’m totally allergic to coffee, so the only things that I can drink there are water and tea) and a piece of the dazzlingly delicious chocolate croissant (it’s almost better than you-know-what).  My alone moment at Starbucks is usually the perfect time to perform what my friend Noriyu said as "masturbation of the mind": writing.  So I reached into my handbag, turned on my PDA, and damn it, I forgot to recharge the battery yesterday (for sure, because all I did all day was reading Chris Dyer’s Wanderlust), so there goes the idea of having a creativity orgasm for lunch.  I glanced at the magazine rack, and all that’s left was a shiny new copy of Indonesian Tattler.  I didn’t think I needed another hedonistic gratification of crème de la crème to entertain me, I guess all I could do now was practically nothing, but a little bit of people-watching.

As creepy as that might sound, it was definitely not as boring as bird-watching, and you could learn a lot from observing other human being.  The first group that I noticed was a woman in her late twenties, wearing a killer pair of Citizens of Humanity jeans, followed by what looks like a babysitter, holding a baby boy who’s probably around 5 or 6 months old.  And as she sat with the latest copy of Cosmopolitan, sipping her double caramel macchiato, the baby was cooing as the babysitter teased him with an Oshkosh teddy bear. 

At the curse of my hyperactive mind, I couldn’t help but begin reflecting the sight in front of me into my life in the future.  When I have a baby, will I pay attention more to Eva Longoria’s new haircut than to my baby’s giggle?  Would the greatest joy in life for me still be finding a Mango jacket for half the price  instead of hearing my baby’s first word?  Because one of the luck - or the curse? - of being a woman in the 21st century is having the world handed to us on a silver platter.  From diapers, babysitters, drivers, maids, microwaves, dishwasher, takeouts, most of us have it easy.  Those technology and facilities were supposed to improve our life, but did they?  I’m not gonna be a hypocrite and say that I’m not gonna need any of those miracles, but I believe that we can choose which and when they’re gonna actually improve the quality of our life.  So I was asking myself, in the era where women can choose between breast-feeding and breast pump, normal and C-section, babysitter and nanny, home-cooked meals and dine out, where do we draw our lines of priorities?  Well, as the next group drew my attention, I decided to leave the question in the air until the time has really come to me to answer it.

The next group was really a sight for sore eyes.  Two men, also twentysomethings, ordered double tall latte then took a seat in the smoking section.  One was very Abercrombie and Fitch, with a pair of khakis and a white polo shirt, while the other looked like he came straight out of the latest GQ: a black pinstripe Hugo shirt with rolled up sleeves and a pair of what looks like a Diesel jeans.  Wow, we do brand our men, don’t we?

Don’t tell me that you and your girl friends never hang out at a Starbucks or Coffee Bean, then start to examine the guys around you and labeling them anything from Mr. Perfect Pants, Mr. Skanky Tie, Mr. Nice Shoes, Mr. Fake Gucci, Mr. 100 Dollars Haircut, to Mr. Nails-Are-Even-More-Groomed-Than-Mine.  As a result of this materialistic society, we do start labeling our men, judging them from their taste of clothes or choices of style, judging them based on our quick glance at their appearance and material possessions.  I myself, honestly, do judge men that I met from the watch that they wear.  There’s a lot that you can tell from a man who wears a Breitling, a Tag Heuer, a Luminor Panerai, a Nautical, to a Swatch or even a G-Shock.  Because I believe that a watch is a man’s jewelry, so he should care enough to splurge on it.  Not like us women who have endless choices of tank top, tube top, hip huggers, camisoles, stilettos, Mary Janes, mules, clutch, and tote bag, men are pretty much limited when it comes to shaping their outer image.  Their effort to serve our judging eyes is limited to the three main points of their appearance: watch, belt, and shoes.  I know you might say that I’m pretty shallow, but hey, do we have the choice of making conversations to every man that we ran into at the mall to value them based on their personality?  Hehe, I guess not, so a harmless observation of their appearance - or in a more sophisticated way of saying it: the way they wanted to be perceived - is just a method we should stick to, at least for the time being.

So back to Mr. Abercrombie and Fitch, let’s just call him Jack for he’s got a very everyday American look.  Here’s the kind of guy that would take you for a road trip across the country, maybe spending the weekend walking the dogs in the park, then stopping by at a McDonald, chewing on Double Cheese Burger, giggling as you wiped off the ketchup on his lips.  Very laid back, very informal, yet you feel like the queen of the world as he holds your hand when you cross the street.

But Jack’s friend, the Hugo Boss guy who from now on we’ll call as Jacques, will really treat you like you’re the queen of the world.  From picking you up on his black sedan with a dozen of red roses, dinner at Lawry’s followed by a little wine tasting, basically putting you on the pedestal.  His idea of a laid back date doesn’t have any household American name like McDonald’s or Baskin Robbins in it, but more like a quiet, romantic walk on the beach then followed by an intimate picnic under the stars.

So, now comes the magic question, the question that really should be asked before all that breast-feeding vs. breast pump question: would you feel more related to Jack or Jacques?  Jack is down right adorable, here’s the guy that will change your tires with the sweetest smile, literally your knight in shining armor.  But on the other hand, how you could resist Jacques with his gallant gestures, his candlelit dinner at the best restaurant in the city, his weekend at the beach, everything.  And as I said in my previous column, your choices reflect who you are.  So do you choose the guy who said "let’s work on that dreams together" or the guy who said "I’ve got everything you’ve ever dreamed of"?

Umm, did you realize that my harmless observation hour at Starbucks had turned into an in-depth analysis of the two most important questions in a woman’s life: what kind of man she chooses to spend the rest of her life with, and what kind of upbringing she wants to provide for her children?

So in my week of mind-relaxation, I ended up bringing up a reflection of the future.  In my hour of doing nothing, I ended up asking about choices in life, having a dialogue with my mind and my heart.

Anyway, I loved that afternoon at Starbucks. Who would have thought that doing nothing can actually make you think of everything?  As the Italians said it: la dolce far niente.  The sweetness of doing nothing.

As a part of the management development program at my current company, I was enrolled to the AsiaWorks Leadership and Personality Program.  I can’t say that it was the best three days of my life, most of the time I even resented it, because I was forced to undress my perceived images to expose my inner self in public, and on demand!  It’s actually like baring you soul in front of people that you doubtedly trust.

But the program - however grueling, mind-bending, and challenging it was - did present a dogma that totally make sense to me: you choose whatever you do in life.  It’s never "I have to", it’s always "I choose to." 

Life is all about choices, from the simple ones like: which pair of suits I wear to work today, what cereals I want to have for breakfast, or whom I’m going to have lunch with that day, to more complex ones like what I should invest in, whether to stay in my job right now or to look for other opportunities, whether to lie or tell the truth, whom I tell my secrets to, or whom I’m going to share my life with.

Those choices that we made, either it’s Koko Crunch or Oatmeal, Mr. Right or Mr. Right Now, FX or money market, we all have or reasons behind them.  I choose oatmeal because it’s more healthy, I choose Mr. Right because Mr. Right Now only gives me headache, I choose FX because it’s more volatile therefore there are more opportunities for profit taking.

And every one of those choices, also has its consequences.  For every action there’s a clear and opposite reaction, the law of physics that applies to every aspects in this life.  Everytime we make a choice, subconsciously we are also choosing the consequences.  The consequence that we prefer to or despise less than the others.  You can say that: "I have to do this."  But what you’re actually saying is: "I choose to do this because I like the consequences of it more than the others."

Choosing, however simple the choices are, is never really that simple.  It’s not just a question of paper or plastic, tea or coffee, black or white.  Because like it or not, choosing is like balancing the idiosyncrasy of ourselves with the mere existence of others.  It’s like being pretentious and tolerant at the same time.  In the simplicity of the choices and the complexity of the process of choosing, lies the fact that we all know too well by now: those choices also have a domino effect, choosing one will affect everything that has a connection to it, every single thing of it, including people around us.  Hence, we can’t blame our friends and closed ones for asking: why did we make those choices?

Sometimes we know the reasons and can answer straightforwardly, sometimes we know the reasons but we choose not to tell, but sometimes we simply don’t know why.

We do have the rights to keep the reasons to ourselves.  But there’s always a simple explanation we can give to them: the heart wants what the heart wants. 

I was looking through my family’s picture albums the other day, and I found some things that put a grin across my face.  My baby pictures!  One was when my parents threw my first birthday party: there I was as my mom held me in front of the birthday cake, with everybody wearing a Roman soldier hats (it was a Roman empire themed party, on my first birthday!  No wonder I grew up to be an egocentric, dominating woman hahahaha, just kidding, guys).  The other one was when I had my "cukuran" ceremony, a Malay tradition in which the baby was being "tepung tawar" and the hair was cut a little bit.  I was only a few months old, wearing the cutest little white dress, with my late "atok" holding me on her lap.

My best friends Fenny and Kiks were both amazed as they saw those snapshots of my innocent years, exclaiming: "Ka!  I’m telling you, you shouldn’t have grown up!  You’re the cutest baby ever!"  In other words, I’m not all that cute right now that I’ve grown up hahahaha. Bener-bener pujian yang menohok.

Anyway, all the cuteness aside, I was actually starting to think as I stared at those baby pictures, side by side with a picture of me partying with my friends at the age of 26.  Thinking wow, where did those ages of innocence go?  Those ages when all I saw were angels, when there was no hidden agenda, when I could laugh and giggle without worrying about tomorrow, when the greatest joy of my life was when my dad picked me up on his shoulders or when my mom held me close ’til I fell asleep.

I truly miss those times, when I was still a blank piece of paper with no spots or smears of ink on it, when everything was so simple yet complete.  When I could think and act freely without worrying about consequences and judgments.  When the simplest thing in life like my favorite cereals or hugging my teddy bear close can make me happy.

Then as days, weeks, months, and years go by, dots and lines started to fill that blank piece of paper.  Mistakes, triumph, failures, victories, love, hatred, cries, and laughter, all were adding colors to the paper, every single tiny bit of them took away some of that innocence, added some wisdom, built some anger, and expanded some love. 

I didn’t know exactly when I started to lose that innocence.  Was it when I pretended to take a nap when my mom told me too but all I wanted to do was playing with my friends?  Was it when I pushed my friend in the sandbox?  Or was it when this mouth exclaimed my first lie?

All I know is that, there were a lot of those mistakes that I wish I could take away.  There were a lot of moments that I wish I could erase and make better.  And there were countless words I wish I never said.  But like it or not, it was that mistake, that weakness, and that flaw that make me the way I am right now. 

I can never be as innocent as I was when I was in those baby pictures, but I surely hope that I still have a hint of innocence and sincerity that keeps me grounded in many years to come.  I might have known and tasted the white, the black, and the grey, but I surely hope I will always have the purity of heart to differentiate and choose between them.

So every now and then, I’m gonna look back at those baby pictures, and I suggest that you do the same thing to yours too, just to remind us all that we did have our ages of innocence.

For a whole ten years, Friends has brought us laughter, tears, silly but

endearing moments, genius comedy, but most of all: the philosophy of unconditional companionship.  Besides being a pop culture icon and a television legend (is it because the affable characters or the most brilliant script-writing in history, I can’t make up my mind), Friends also stands out as a show that we strongly feel connected to in many years to come, even when Ross, Rachel, Joey, Phoebe, Monica, and Chandler no longer visit us every Thursday night.  I bet one of you at some point has identified yourself or your friends with at least one of the Friends character.

As I read The One With All Ten Years: Friends … ‘Til The End by David Wild, allow me to share some great lines from the one sitcom where every others would be measured up against, or as I would like to call it: the Philosophy of Friendsism.

Monica: Come on.  You can’t live off your parents your whole life.

Rachel: I know that!  That’s why I was getting married.

-a revealing moment in "the pilot"

Whenever I see a girl in fishnet stockings, it reminds me of my father.

-chandler thinking about dear old dad in "the one with joey’s new girlfriend"

It’s like the mother ship calling you home.

-phoebe responds to rachel getting a job at saks

fifth avenue

in "the one with all the poker"

Monica to Joey:

I can’t believe this!  I mean, someone asks you in for lemonade and to you that means they want to have sex?

-hot beverage talk in "the one with the flashback"

If I were a guy and … Did I just say ‘if I were a guy?’

-chandler bends gender again in "the one where rachel’s sister babysits"

Ross: Didn’t you read Lord of the Rings in high school?

Joey: No, I had sex in high school.

-some straight book talk in "the one where they’re going to party"

Rachel: Uni-sex!

Joey: Maybe you need sex.  I had sex a couple days ago.

Rachel: Oh, no, Joey, U-N-I sex.

Joey: Well, I ain’t gonna say no to that.

-an accidental come on in "the one with joey’s bag"

Rachel: Lately, with this whole pregnancy thing, I’m just finding myself … How do I put this, erotically charged.

Joey: Is that college talk for horny?

-some arousing wordplay in "the one with ross’s step forward"

This is not marriage.  This is the world’s worst hangover.

-rachel reacts to her drunken wedding to ross in "the one after vegas"

Ross: No, no, no, Homo habilus was erect, Australopithecus was never fully erect.

Chandler

: Well maybe he was nervous.

-some hard paleontological-penile talk in "the one where ross and rachel … you know"

After a day of hard work (although sometimes it just consists of 5 hours of meeting and 3 hours of branch visits), there’s nothing more relaxing than winding down at rugos a.k.a. ruang gosip in the corner of my office.  It’s where the men take a short nap on lunch break, or where us girls (by the way, in this male-dominated office, only 6 of us girls there) catch up on coffee break.

So one afternoon, my friend Fenny and I (we’re actually from different directorates, but we occupy the same floor) were hanging out at rugos, and the same words came out from our mouth: "Wow, we have done practically everything in our life, but that one thing, getting married."  So what started as just a giggly gossip session evolved into a more serious talk about the future, not just the future in general, but future for girls like us.

At the risk of sounding pompous, I’m just gonna bare it to you all what girls like us actually mean.  Umm, it’s like this, we enjoy our life, and we have certain standard on what we’d like our life to be in the future.

Wow, that came out a little more than pompous, didn’t it?  Sorry, guys.  Let me rephrase it like this.  Fenny and I, however different we are from each other, are also in many ways the same in this one thing: we’re both high maintenance.  Alhamdulillah, we both make decent living with our jobs now, allowing us to enjoy most of what life has to offer, especially since we’re both still single and have no dependents.  I like the way tickle.com describes girls like us: "… And while you might find great pleasure in self-indulgence, keep in mind that your personality, even more than your possessions and surroundings, is what truly reflects your beauty.  You definitely care about how you present yourself, but probably not enough to let your appearance dictate what you do, where you go, and who you spend time with. Sure, you take pride in your appearance, but you know that some things are more important than looks. That’s a great attitude — looks like you’ve achieved a very healthy balance between narcissism and neglect."

So, being the high maintenance girls that we are, are there really men out there who are not intimidated by our lifestyle and love us beyond all of those quirks?  Let’s face it, dealing with us is by no means easy.  One time, we went shopping after work, accompanied by four of our guy friends.  Although they willingly followed us around the mall for hours, carrying our shopping bags with smile, we could still see a hint of disapproving looks on their eyes everytime we checked out another item at the cashier.  At the climax of it all, on our way to dinner, one of them actually whispered to me: "Ka, you can really buy things without thinking first, can’t you?"

Waks!!  That was pretty harsh.  Fenny and I then realized what the guys were probably thinking as we dragged them from one store to another: "if I marry one of these girls, I’m gonna be so dead paying for that lifestyle."  And our first reaction was: "Who cares what the guys are thinking?  After all, we paid for all of it ourselves." 

But now, as we’re thinking seriously about marriage, we do starting to care what the guys are thinking, well maybe not those four guys because they’re just friends and not our future husbands (on second thought, Fenny might care more than I do since one of them is now her boyfriend hehe).  Do women who know how to enjoy their life scare you guys?  Intimidate you?

Because I can tell you one thing, we’re not at all superficial.  We just love to live life to the fullest while we still can right now, but we do have a vision for the future: one that includes a husband and kids in it.  But I cannot lie and say that we don’t want to enjoy life 20 or 30 years from now as much as we do right now, because we do want to be financially secured as well as emotionally secured when we got married, not just getting the bills paid and waking up with smiles in the morning, but also to be able to send our kids to the best schools anywhere they want.  To be able to protect our parents and allow them to have prosperous retirement years.  To be able to teach our kids that they too can have this good life if they have determination and work hard to achieve their dreams.  To be able to have an afternoon caffeine run at Starbucks after work whilst waiting to pick up our kids from their piano or swimming lessons.  To be able to dress up our kids in Oshkosh and Guess Kids.  To be able to teach them that everything that we have now comes from Allah and we have to give back to the ones in need.  To be able to take them not just on holidays but also on umroh.  And the list keeps going.

Are we being materialistic or being realistic, well I admit there’s only a thin line between them.  I ‘d like to think marriage not as just the holy union of a man and a woman who loves each other deeply.  It’s also a corporation that you start one day after the wedding, an institution where you have to invest both emotionally and financially in.  An institution that must keep every shareholders happy -and by shareholders I mean the husband, me as the wife, our kids, and our parents - for a life time. 

And as Fenny and I closed the door of rugos that afternoon, we did realize that there might not be the perfect man out there who can fulfill all of the above requirements.  But we sure would like to meet the ones who can hold our hands and say: "Okay, let’s work on those dreams together."

1. I’m addicted to Friends, I literally stop watching other TV.

2. I wear boxers all the time at home.

3. I have two greatest fears in life: becoming stupid and having no dreams to chase.

4. I have a psychological problem called the pantatpanaskalodirumahnensis syndrome.

5. I don’t eat red meat, at all.

6. My most honest moment is when I pray to God.

7. I hate smokes, too bad most of my best friends are smokers.

8. I think the hottest man in the universe is Jude Law: blonde, tall, smart, and who can resist his naughty, boyish looks?

9. My bestfriend Firman is responsible for any pictures of me on Cosmo, because he’s the one who forced me to do the Fun Fearless Female thing.

10. I always tell it like it is, although it sounds a little rash sometimes.

11. On the other hand, I never cry in public … well, almost never

12. I never ride a rollercoaster, it’s scaring the shit out of me.

13. I have caffeine jitters that I’m literally alergic to coffee.

14. One of my most prized possessions is the PDA I’m writing this blog on.

15. I’m half Malay half Batak.

16. My favorite colors are black, white, and pink (hey, it’s the new black!)

17. I look so good in khakis.

18. I once skipped school to watch telenovela (eww!), well I was 15 and clueless.

19. I have a killer sense of brands, I can tell what brand a pair of jeans or a handbag is from a mile away.

20. I read 7 magazines a month: Cosmo, Bazaar, Rolling Stone, Golf for Women, Hai, CFO Asia, and Harvard Business Review.

21. And honestly, the last two that I mention?  Only read it when I have to!

22. I’m often overwhelmed by my own good taste.

23. I hate stilettos, I think it’s a murder weapon for a girl’s feet … God, men doesn’t have to suffer that much to look sexy!

24. My handwriting sucks.

25. I’m a Mac girl, didn’t know how to use Windows til I was 25!

26. I had a huge poster of Andre Agassi up on my bedroom wall when I was in junior high.

27. I wrote a short story about a treasure hunt when I was 9.

28. I really can’t wear mascara, my eyes blink incessantly if something comes near them.

29. I have four mobile numbers.

30. I just bought a car and I can’t drive!

31. I like clubbing, but I don’t drink.

32. I have attended a month of Sunday school, sung soprano on the Winter Christmas concert, and played the piano at church.

33. By the way, I’m moslem.

34. I love driving (in golf sense, not car.  Didn’t I mention that I can’t drive?)

35. I wear socks to sleep.

36. I sketch and scribble and draw at meetings, in the classroom, in the waiting room … well, wherever I feel bored to death.

37. The best food in the world is fish and chips and grilled snapper at the Darwin Harbor.

38. I have moved at least a dozen times in at least 6 cities my whole life.

39. My wildest dream is hunting in Africa and be on the cover of National Geographic.

40. The funniest movie I’ve ever seen is There’s Something About Mary.

41. I once ran away from home when I was in the States.

42. I have a strong addiction of Tag Heuer, I even wear it when I was taking a bath in the middle of Kalimantan rain forest!

43. A senior at my high school once reported me to the principal for calling him stupid in the yearbook.

44. My favorite month is Ramadhan, there’s an unexplainable feeling of calmness and serenity that I wish could go on for a year long.

45. I’m watching Will & Grace as I write this.

46. I get hyperventilating when I panicked.

47. And I panicked when I read an Insead article and didn’t understand it instantly (damn fear of being stupid!).

48. I once spent 6 hours shopping alone at PS, heaven!  No distractions!  Just me, the ecstatic shopkeepers, and the bleeding purse.

49. I don’t like my veggies.

50. I love Buavita orange juice.

51. I adore my mom, she’s the greatest woman in the whole world.

52. I love massages!

53. It took me 5 years to finish Underground both in Indonesian and English.

54. I never color my hair.

55. I’m a pathological shopper, the Visa people worship me!

56. My favorite breakfast is buttered waffel with maple syrup, but I also have a strange craving of "lontong Smansa."

57. I fell asleep when I saw Lord of the Rings (sorry, Peter Jackson).

58. But I could spend hours watching Sting’s all this time concert DVD.

59. I hate perfumes that smell too girly, I love Issey Miyake Summer and L’Eau Par Kenzo.

60. One of the best books I’ve ever read is Dee’s Supernova.

61. I hate running.

62. My dream is to live in a gorgeous apartment in New York.

63. I love playing Gran Turismo (again, has something to do with me not being able to drive in real life!).

64. My friends make fun of me for drinking only mineral water in bars and clubs.

65. My friend and I once sweet-talked a bouncer at a club in Sydney (we both forgot to bring our IDs, by the way I was 21, honestly).

66. I don’t understand poker.

67. I don’t cook, well except for the occasional french toasts and instant noodle.

68. If I have a daughter, I’ll want to name her Alexandra.  But if it’s a son, I love the name Ferris.

69. I love Dilmah’s green tea.

70. If I could change something about myslef, I’d like to be taller (I’m only 5′3”).

71. I love it when it rains.

72. The latest I’ve ever come home after a night out is eleven o’clock the next morning.

73. I think Damien Rice, John Mayer, and Sting have the sexiest voices in the world.

74. I once spent the whole day mall-hopping with the boys just riding a bus in Canberra.

75. My best friend Wida called me Mrs. Solis.

76. My best friend Fenny called me Teteng.

77. Well, enough with the silly names.  I prefer the dazzingly delicious chocolate croissant from Starbucks.

78. I want my guy to be smart because he’s smart, not because I play stupid in front of him.

79. I never ride the busway.

80. I love teaching.

81. I love it when my friends come to me for advice (maybe I shouldn’t work in a bank and make a career turn to be a psycologist).

82. I have two left feet.

83. I can’t do any housework.

84. When I start speaking English incessantly, usually it’s serious.

85. My friend Libert and Aning said I blush naturally when I’m happy.

86. I only wear men’s watch.

87. I once rode a speedboat for 5 hours.

88. I graduated from high school twice: once in the United States, once in Indonesia.

89. I hate mathematics.

90. I’m insomniac if I drink too much tea.

91. I hate ass kissers.

92. The best soft drink I’ve ever tasted is Mountain Dew.

93. I always want to sit in the park in the fall, watching the leaves turn brown whilst reading or painting.

94. For me, the greatest superhero is Spiderman, because he’s so human and fragile yet so protective of others.

95. I have a terrible first impression: friends admit that they thought I was stuck up, know-all, and demeaning when they first met me.

96. I want to make a living in a job where I don’t have to worry about working hours, and where I’m appreciated for my thoughts and creativity, not my obediance.

97. Sometimes I think I think too much (there I did it again haha).

98. I want to do as many selfless acts as I can without sacrificing my ego (sounds like mission impossible, right?).

99. I think one of the sexiest things that a couple can do is washing the car together.

100. But definitely not sailing together because I have seasick!

101. Wow, we’re finished already?  I guess you’ll know more about me once you get to know me.  I just wanna say that first impression can be deceiving

Dinda, thanks for the inspiration from your blog!